My entire body is aching, from yesterday's training. Especially the muscles in my back. Sigh.

Sometimes, I am such a bundle of contradictions, it scares me even.

I detest it when people get all negative and pessimistic. They irritate the hell out of me, and I feel like snapping at them, and telling them that they are put on this Earth for a reason, and thus, they ought to make the most out of their life, instead of always whining how bad their lives are, when it really isn't. Yet, sometimes, I am like them. I am largely optimistic, and I know some see it as a heck-care attitude. Sometimes, my parents get frustrated with me, because I don't seem to have a sense of urgency towards my studies. Stupid as this may sound, I have never been daunted by my horrid Math results.

It's not so much a heck-care attitude, but it is my refusal to feel upset, or unhappy that some things didn't turn out the way I would have liked them to be. Because, what is the point? I may feel disappointment, yes, but that is about as far as I am allowing my emotions to go. There isn't any point acting all sad, and I am sorry to say this, I find it ridiculously stupid to cry over your results. I cry over just about anything else; getting scolded in public, over shows and dramas... but I have never cried over my results. It just seems so wrong to me, unless it is warranted, like studying really, really hard, yet still failing.

I think I get irritated by things and people around me too easily. If I am in a bad mood, I feel like punching assholes who talk too loudly on the bus, so much so that I can hear them even through my MP3. I hate it when stupid old men or Banglas stare at me, and I will give them the meanest stare I can muster back. My brother's immaturity makes me feel like smacking him sometimes, but it will never wake him up. I know one day, he will grow out of his infantile ways, but till then, his continual infatuation with the computer, and his stubborness will be a bone of contention for me. Sometimes, the actions of the people around me, again, irritate the hell out of me. But I don't say anything, because I don't want conflict with people I am going to be facing everything. I dearly wish to lash out at them, and tell them to shut up, or even f*** off, but I know I will never, and thus, my mood becomes really bad, and it shows.

Of late, I have realised that I am a traditional, conservative person at heart. Not entirely so, but more so than others. So when people do certain things that I find not befitting their social status, or behaving in a certain way, I get very, very disgusted. And evil thoughts begin to surface. That's the evil, stubborn, old grandmother in me.

Who are you, and what do you matter? Who am I? I feel very old sometimes, I feel as if I see things which my peers around me (save for a few) are blind to, and then, I feel that their blindness is due to their shallowness. I hate it when people don't care about the consequences of their actions, and do not spare a thought for other people's feelings. Sometimes, I think, why can't they behave like seventeen year-olds, and assume their responsibilities as mature adolescents, instead of being so self-centered? But then again, I myself am like that sometimes. I marvel at a certain someone's unreasonable behaviour. I do not know how others tolerate this person, but I hope I will never cross the person in one of his/her unreasonability (if there is such a word), because I just might not keep quiet in the presence of such a rude and uncaring act, as others have done.

And I don't know if this entry is a result of PMS, or of revelation. Either way, it's nice to get things off my chest.