And the rain fell in great, fierce sleets. Everything was an indistinct shape of nothingness, shrouded in a white, mazy cloud. In this downpour I was deluged with a thousand whispers and sighs of so many dreams lost.... lost. The stark brightness of the vast expanse of endless white sky illuminated the trees a dazzling green, rejuvenated the tired, dusty mortar of the roads a rich, velvet black again. In the odd, unsettling vividness and vivacity of the aftermath of the storm the dreams floated away from me leaving behind the miasmic blanket.....lost. lost.

I need sleep. I need sunshine. Maybe it's the rain, maybe it's the haze, maybe it's literature, maybe it's history, maybe, maybe, always maybe.

There is just something very very inherently wrong.

My mosquito bites are killing me. The thing is, I don't even see the damn mosquitoes anywhere!!!

Can we all say, "Finally!"? Took me nearly two hours to get this layout up, and to think I could once make my own layouts and tinker with imaging and whatnot. I can't even handle a pre-made layout now. Nearly pulled all my hair out trying to figure out why the codes were so strange looking. And then I realised that I downloaded the wrong codes. Am such a bone-head lah! And to think I spent two precious hours on the computer, instead of going running like I initially intended, or getting some much needed sleep. But hey, I must say that this is one lovely blogskin. The person who made this was inspired by Chasing Cars by Snowpatrol! Hehe.

Please tag away and fill up the lovely new tagboard. :D

So. Today will go down in my memory as one of the most memorable days in my Nanyang history. The embarrassment I caused myself... oh, it was of such a grave magnitude, that I am surprised I have any friends left in school. We were heading back to LT 4 for Econs, when Reena said,

"Melissa! You believe in magic right! You go and run into the wall, like Harry Potter like that!"

I think she meant the instance where Harry disappeared into the wall at the train station, to emerge on Platform 9 & 3/4. Was in a state of semi-lunacy, so I most readily agreed. I was all ready to run into the wall and told my classmates to close their eyes when I counted to three (obviously I wasn't intending to bang into the wall), when Mr. Lawrence, who was on his mobile, and had passed our little party earlier, turned around and walked back to our group. He kept insisting that I do whatever it was that I was intending to do, and dutifully shut his eyes like I told my friends to.

Was bloody embarrassed okay! I kept laughing hysterically and refused to carry out my idiotic act in front of him, and he finally deigned to leave. I'm certain I will never be able to face him again. And I did perform my magical, Harry Potter-esque disappearing act after he left, but my dear friends didn't close their eyes, and thus they saw me running around the wall. I bet I looked like a chicken with its head cut off.

Shortly after, Jamie was musing whether humans used to be able to fly, and I declared an affirmative confidently.

Me: "I show you!"

I then proceeded to run a distance to gain some momentum, and then leapt into the air and vigorously flapped my arms. And I only realised there were many other schoolmates around me after I "landed".

Don't ask me why I'm such a loser. I don't know either. Nevertheless, it was great fun. I laughed till I had to cry in the LT. I love the girls. :)

So I am decidedly cheered up after today, even though only Zhiying and Ellis noticed that I cut my hair, when I was so excited about my new short hair (turns out it isn't very short hahaha) and somebody said that my previous long hair resembled an upturned mop.

Well I've been lazing around here long enough. Till the next time, ta!

P.S. Hello Yizhen! Heh heh.

Today was probably the first time I felt such disappointment in myself. I expected so much more from myself, yet my results were awfully disappointing. I would've remained downcast all day, if not for my friends, namely Zhiying. So thank you for being there and encouraging me. :)

It's time for a change; I need to overhaul my life.

To do that, I shall go and cut my hair. I mean, go to a salon and get it cut, not cut it myself.

Heh heh. I imagine that statement must've been rather bathetic. (And this is not a spelling error) But I'm awfully sick of my hair, or maybe it's just the balding spots that are getting to me.

Well I shall depart now. Ta.

Snow Patrol- Run. It's right up there in the same league with Chasing Cars, IMO. This is the acoustic version... I love his voice. Check out their videos!

Hellooo there. My stomach feels like it's going to explode any minute, and I haven't even had my dinner. Gah.

Went out with Chingy today! Well, all five of us were supposed to meet up today, but not all of us could make it today, so we postponed our outing. Met Chingy to do some shopping. We were supposed to meet at the MRT station, but we took the same bus by coincidence! Hehe. Reminds me of our Dunman days, when we would take the same bus together, and reach school at like 6:30AM, or have breakfast at the nearby McD's. Those were the days man.

Anyway, we practically trawled through the whole of Orchard Road and Bugis, in search of clothes.... because we both have nothing left to wear. And would you believe it, there wasn't anything nice that caught our eyes! It was so frustrating. We shopped from like 12:30PM to 5:30PM lah. Or rather, window-shopped. And ended up only eating.

I'll upload photos soon, as soon as I can find my camera cable.

But it was fun, because Miss Chan Ching Lam electrifies me! Muahaha. The chemistry between us is so great, we feel static whenever we're together. Riiiight Ching! Teehee. Both of us were laughing like mad women, and yes, we always have a knack of embarrassing ourselves whenever we're with one another.

Ah, I cannot wait for all five of us to meet up. (:

Didn't do much yesterday. Was fully intending to do the TYS for Econs, write some essay outlines for History and read some notes for Lit, but I ended up only filing my Lit notes (and throwing away more than I filed) and sleeping a whole lot.

Speaking of which, I really have a sleeping problem. I went to bed at 11:30PM last night, and only fell asleep around 1AM, and automatically woke up at 7AM this morning. And I just couldn't sleep anymore. I'm quite certain I'm not suffering from stress, and I've never had problems with sleeping, until the mid-years started. Or until I read the Murakami book. This is not good at all.

Friday was good. Went ice-skating with Mark..... and apart from falling down twice on my bum, everything was just peachy. Ehehehe. :D

Talking to Ching Lam today made me realise that I'm even more of a freak than I thought I was. Am totally clueless...... Help!

I need to stop playing soon. A Levels are loooooming.

Good morning. My body clock's a bit weirded out. Went to bed at past 1am the night before, and woke up at 8am this morning. Ridiculous. I also slept a mere 8 hours on Tuesday night, or Wednesday morning, rather. The end of prelims means the start of sleeping only in the mornings. And somehow, I can't sleep much when I go to bed so late. Perhaps it has something to do with reading Artemis Fowl as a bedtime book.

Heh heh. I just realised I'm drinking banana milk, and not the normal icky fresh milk. Of which I need to start drinking more, because us ladies start experiencing osteoporosis really early on in life, so start drinking more milk if you don't want to suffer from brittle bones later on!

Well anyway, the end of the prelims in Tuesday saw a couple of us classmates heading down to Fish&Co at the Glass House. Was supposed to be a pretty respectable turnout, about half the class or so, but in the end, only a handful of us went, and only Vincent represented our beloved Cronies. Nevertheless, dinner was enjoyable, not so much the food (because that wasn't very good at all) but the company. Had great fun trotting around in Dahniela's impossibly high wedges. She deserves an award for being the only one out of us girls to be able to walk glamorously in those wedges. I didn't even dare to move my feet lah. My knees were wobbling uncontrollably. We had ice-cream outside of Plaza Sing, and it was awesome 'cos we managed to see fireworks! It was so unexpected! But the novelty kind of wears off after you've seen it once or twice.

And I had a very good time yesterday, even if I was at home for the most part. And the good time excludes my trip to the gym, whereby I spent an hour torturing myself on the treadmill. Bloody machine. (Haha, like it's really the machine's fault) And I came away from that gym session with a still-indistinct jawline (I shall never not exercise for a week, ever again. It's disastrous) and I think I aggravated my left knee permanently. I can't even straighten it now without pain. The stupid thing hasn't healed since basketball trainings ended eons ago. Right. Focus on the positive things. Anyway, I finished "The Undomestic Goddess" by Sophie Kinsella yesterday! It was a huge barrel of laughs, highly recommended! Heeheehee. Was laughing aloud to myself, good thing no one was home. Did some housework too, and it was actually pretty enjoyable. I guess it should be, seeing as how I haven't contributed anything of tangible worth to my family and my home the past few weeks.. months maybe. Except a lot of stupid jokes and lame humour, that they somehow were highly entertained by. I need to start being a bit more domestic etc etc. I think the book by Kinsella was a bit too addictive. I can only think of doing housework now.

Well anyway, out of sheer spontaenity, Mark and I went to catch The Devil Wears Prada at Grand Cathay in the evening. It was pretty good. Meryl Streep was awesome. She gave life to a rather inadequately-scripted character. And Anne Hathaway was very pretty, and she's so white man. And Paris in the movie looked gorgeous. The quiet cobbled streets and black lamp posts.... everything seemed very quaint and romantic, as if time stopped there. Do catch the movie!

So overall, it was a great day yesterday. All the time in the world, all to myself, and at night, after the movie, we chatted and chatted, and I reckon it was the first time I completely forgot about the time. Hey cool, wordplay. Hahaha.

I have the whole day ahead of me again today. A whole lot of possibilities.

Well, carpe diem, so ta!

Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. -Carl Jung

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.
-Elie Wiesel

Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile. -Franklin P. Jones

Everything has been figured out, except how to live. -Jean-Paul Sartre

You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now. -Joan Baez

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

Is it so small a thing
To have enjoy'd the sun,
To have lived light in the spring,
To have loved, to have thought, to have done... -Mathhew Arnold

And we always say, "one life, live it." And I don't know about anyone else, but for me, I don't know if I've lived my life yet. To really live and not merely exist. Family and friends can help make your life a bearable and enjoyable one, but I sincerely believe that at the end of the day, your life is for you to lead. Only you can decide how you want to lead it. Everyone has different expectations of their lives, so we can't really say for others that they haven't lived their lives in a fulfilling way, just because their idea of a life well-lived doesn't tally with our own idea of a worthily-led life.

But what I can say, or rather, what I've realised is that we always say, "This is the life I want to have in the future." or that, "My life is going to be so much better after the A Levels" (I think I say that most frequently). And you know what, I've been divorcing life from life itself. It's become a goal to work towards, not a process. Along the way of schooling and studying, I've prioritised life to be an end-goal, an epitome of perfection and the result of hard work. And I've clean forgotten that life is everyday, life is happening even as I'm typing this entry out instead of studying for Lit. Essentially, I think what I'm trying to say that life is the here and now, so don't hold back all the time from what you want to do. I mean, if it doesn't hurt anyone else, and if it doesn't bring you great harm, I say go ahead and do it. I think we could all benefit from living life as it is, instead of seeing it as something to be delayed and savoured later on. Because that later on may never come. The perfect moments don't arise from detailed planning nor from paranoid, cautious worrying and prudence, but from sheer spontaenity and unbridled feeling. Feeling for life. Maybe that's generalizing a little, but take for example, those kissing scenes in dramas. You don't date a chick out with the intention of planning to kiss her, you don't chart the specific, minute details that will lead to your eventual kiss, right? It happens spontaenously (spelling sucks man), when you look into her eyes and the sparks fly, and blah blah, and at that perfectly unplanned-for moment, you kiss her. That's the sweetest way for a kiss to happen, is it not? I wouldn't know, but when I find out, I'll be sure to let you know. Whoever you may be.

So hey, you. Reading this right very moment. Live life, don't postpone it, because that'd be something like death, wouldn't it?

I remember your story behind "delaying gratification". The people who do so would be more successful in life later on. But how do you define success? When you have lived a life filled not so much with regrets, but with great memories, when your soul is enriched with all that you have wanted to do, when you have really, truly lived- based on your own ideals, your own principles, your own convictions. That's success for me. What's to say those "successful" people who chose to delay gratification aren't regretting what they gave up? It's not so much to say that you should do whatever you want to do, of course, it has to be governed with reason and logic, and you need to be aware of the consequences on the people around you. But sometimes, kick aside "delaying gratification" because hey, if you want to do something really badly at that moment, do it, experience it and live it. Delaying gratification would not give you the same experience you'd wanted at that intial point; you'd have lost it the moment you chose to pass up on it. You can't ever get it back.

So let's learn to live our lives every single moment. To appreciate it more than grouse about it, and to put behind what has passed, well and good.

No regrets.

It's official, I'm the dead-est History student alive. I'm just going to go into the examination hall tomorrow with hope and the meagre knowledge I have equipped myself with over the past two days or so. I can't study with the prospect of prelims ending in roughly 60 hours!! And I wouldn't even be so stressed up studying for Lit tomorrow, because no way am I stressing myself out over studying Lit. It's supposed to be enjoyed....

You know, I'll probably pay for my inertia and wandering mind with my horrid Prelims results. But ehehehe, for now, I'll live with it.

I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
And we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time that we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Words are utterly beautiful; the way so many insignificant words on their own can come together and form lines that are capable of evoking such powerful emotions. I suppose we've all felt the beauty and pain of words... so don't undermine its perfection and use words to hurt people. I ought to speak for myself man. I've always been so impulsive, and that's really quite a bad thing.

It's so easy to get lost in this world, even more so as you grow older. I'd love to behave in what people term an "anti-social" way sometimes. Comments can be so vicious. Not wanting to partake in certain conversations due to a lack of interest in the subject-matter gets people thinking that you're being rude, anti-social or having notions of your superiority. Is it not unfair? So unknowingly and unwittingly, we're moulded by society's expectations of us. But that said, we're not an island by ourselves, we have to take an interest in the things going on around us.

We never used to bother about people we didn't know, never used to pretend to be friendly to people we didn't care about. We never used to pretend to care about things that didn't interest us in the least bit. Most of all, we never used to judge so much. Most of all, we talked, and we listened, not heard.

Adolescene, the slow but sure erasure of youthful innocence, the awareness of the world, becoming jaded, bitter...

Have you ever felt sad?

Yi says: U *^&**%%&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yi says: MELISSA KILL YOURSELF

Tell me about it man, tell me about it. I shall no longer call other people imbeciles, because I am the world's greatest imbecile + loser. Do you see the word "STUPID/LOSER/IDIOT/MORON" stamped on my forehead?! If I could give myself a big kick now, I so would!

On a less idiotic note, two more papers to liberation! (However temporal it may be.) I am going to buy a chick lit book, something with a damn good happy ending and read it back to back at one sitting. And a fashion magazine! I haven't touched one of those in a gazillion years! And then I'm going to write so much rubbish lah. Any rubbish under the sun, as long as it doesn't have anything to do with History/Economics. And I'm going to rent so much movies, they'll be able to stack right up to my ceiling. And they are all going to be movies of the romantic comedy ilk, muahahaha. Then I shall dig out my street directory and see how I can jog to East Coast Park from my house, and then go for a nice loooong run there. Although I reckon I'll be half-dead by the time I reach there. Or probably, I wouldn't even reach there. I'd give up halfway and collapse in a nearby Macs or something and end up eating. Yes, knowing me. Never mind, as long as the intention is there. Hahaha.

And I want to climb a mountain too. Like in Kim SamSoon, but the only thing remotely resembling a mountain in Singapore is Bukit Timah Hill.. and really, that's more of a molehill. Never mind, shall make do with what we have. Then I'm going to go trekking, except going alone would prove to be pretty stupid, since there's the high possibility that I might come to an untoward end, no place is safe anymore.

And you know what, I only have a week's break, and I can't even play everyday for that week, because A Levels are a month away. So I can't do everything, except maybe the first three, reading a book, watching some movies and going running. And of course our date with Jurong. :D

And it's now 12:48am, and it's back to reality, because I am unbelievably behind time for my revision for History, and if I am going to wake up early tomorrow to do any work, I shall have to sleep now.

So ta!

Signing off,
World's Greatest Moron.

It was a race against time today, of epic proportions. (Actually, not really. But I like the word epic.) I really have some problem with managing my time lah. Even though my pen barely stopped moving across the paper, I still couldn't finish my final essay satisfactorily. Pah. Well, two more papers to go, but 7 more essays to write!! Yaargh.

I was on the bus to school today, and they were showing some Channel 8 drama about lawyers. And Ivy Lee's character was saying how in a divorce, the children are still inevitably the ones who always get hurt the most. I don't really agree though. I don't like how a lot of people tend to divorce the parents from their roles as human beings during divorces. (Pun intended) It's like during a divorce, the parents and the children are seperated into two camps; the parents as one squabbling, selfish unit who do not care about their children, and the other camp, the innocent children. Yes, divorce is painful for the kids. They don't get to have a complete family, and they have to be shuttled back and forth from one parent to another. But to say that the children suffer the most isn't fair, is it? Who can measure the suffering we go through? At some point in time, divorce became a parent thing. The man and woman are seen as "parents" and not as human beings with very real feelings anymore. I mean, you marry this person, and you take your marriage vows, and you think, this is it. I've met the person I'm going to be with all my life. I've found him/her. Things cannot get better than this. And than a few years, or many years on, you realise that this person isn't the one for you after all. And the situation gets so painful and difficult, that it's no longer possible to live together. And then what? Your earlier belief that you've finally realised your dream has been dashed. What's it like to think you have found something/someone, only to realise it wasn't meant to be all along? It must be painful. I don't like how the drama said that parents are selfish for divorcing. I don't like how they think that parents are being unreasonable and ignorant of their children's needs, only caring about their own emotional states. The pain of having to uproot one's life completely, having to change everything, having to break one's vows, having to face up to one's family and relatives, and most of all having to explain to your children and realising that the man/woman you thought was the one for you, really isn't the one for you. I don't think it's any less than the pain a child feels.

This is not to say I think people should get divorces if they think they can't get along. I believe that it is a last resort. If all else fails, and everything is irreconcilable. I'm saying that people should stop making statements such as parents being selfish for divorcing, because it's really unfair to blame them completely. And people really must think marriage over and over again, because it's a lifelong commitment. You don't get married to get divorced. That's just wrong, illogical and ridiculous.

Okay. I don't know what made me write this, but I just felt like it. Anyway, History beckons. Ciao!

Hello. This has been a most interesting day. The pomelo tea got stolen, and we looked into dustbins to find it, to no avail of course. Pretty funny, this mystery of The Stolen Pomelo Tea. The most esteemed Vincent reckons that our life is one big rig.

Mark: Do you watch Singapore Idol?

Vincent: No.

Me: Why???

Vincent: Because it's rigged.

And on top of that, he believes the World Cup is rigged, exams are rigged, and our life is apparently worse than living in the Matrix. Why, I reckon he's a Nihilist. Hahaha. So amusing lah.

Muahahaha. My imagination has gotten the better of me, I'm positive. That and Vincent talk about our life being rigged just before the Lit PC exam. I did a critique on this poem called "The Yachts". And I don't know how or why, I started writing about the yachts in the poem being like androids, and being too perfect and flawless, therefore being very unsettling. But I realise, that these yacts are MANUFACTURED...... so of course they don't have any obvious flaws! And aarghh in hindsight I realise I wrote a lot of bullshit for that essay, and my interpretation was all warped. My dreams of an A has just abandoned me. It has gone down its watery grave along with the victims in the poem. Goodbye. You were a beautiful dream when I harboured you. Now I must contend myself with hoping for a pass.

I went to the mart in my estate to do some grocery shopping, and I didn't bring enough cash, so I went back up to my house to get money to pay the man back (10cents, to be exact). While walking back down, I met my neighbour, and I realise that people get the impression that I'm always very happy. I'm not. I'm an absolutely depressed person on the inside, can you not see it? Hahaha. Okay, kidding. I was munching on Pocky and grinning to myself when I saw her, so I reckon that's why she said I always look so cheerful. And before you think I'm insane for grinning to myself, it was because I was looking at the sky (which was very pretty today!) and I suddenly thought of Sesame Street, for some weird, inane reason. So I started grinning to myself, because hey, it's Sesame Street! Teehee.

My drive is waning........ Someone give me a good hard kick to spur me on!!!

Three more papers to love........

:D

If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you

If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I'd still feel for you

And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
You're all I need
My love, my valentine.

Well, they just don't do love songs like that anymore. Valentine by Martina McBride and Jim Brickman.

I'm exhausted man. I feel like a can of fizzy soft drink, that has dropped onto the floor and had all the fizz go out of it. Gah. Next Tuesday could not come soon enough. I probably don't have time to be blogging, seeing as how I need to make up for my horrid performance for Literature today, (I did no better for Econs) but I could hardly care now. I need to sustain myself till 11pm later on. :( My head feels as if it is literally in the clouds. Everything is really foggy......

I'm afflicted with wanderlust, and it couldn't have come at a worst time. My thoughts keep straying man. I want to go to Australia, to Finland, London of course, Switzerland, Paris, Rome... I want to go on long walks on roads lined with tall, towering trees, go snorkelling, rowing, and just do everything with the utmost leisure. I want to see a clear, dark night with all the brilliant stars and constellations, and identify those that I can. Please slow down for me, life.

I'm not going to gripe tonight; I think I've done enough of that. I shall press on with a valiant heart and a firm mind. Wah lao, now I sound like Chaucer and Austen combined. Chaucer is siao, by the way. Really siao. I honestly tried to identify with him, but I failed. I guess I'll try harder. I still have some time left. Hahaha. 40+ days to A levels. What a big joke, ha ha ha ha.

Arrrrgh.

Yesterday night, I was silently trying to force my dinner down, since my throat refused to co-operate with me, when my mom asked me if I was full. It was then that I sheepishly smiled and said, "I'm in a very bad mood." And proceeded to burst into tears. Yes, it sounds so stupid. Even my brother looked at me in wonderment and said, "You're the only one I know who laughs and cries when she's angry."

So there I was, laughing and crying, completely unhappy, yet feeling stupid for being unhappy, while my parents and siblings sat there trying to get me to tell them what happened.

Well, it's funny how I was determined not to tell anyone about this and to keep it to myself, because I decided I could deal with it on my own, and yet the next moment, I'm telling it to four people at once. But I'm glad I told my family, because I'm wiser now. Wiser to you.

And it's honestly the last straw. I never thought it would be this way, but I realise that it is this way. I was naive and stupid, but I'm not going to be anymore. I can never believe you again, because you've been so utterly treacherous. I'm sorry to have thought I was your friend. Because in my definition, and from where I come from, true friends will never do anything like that. I have very clearly delineated boundaries but I've kept allowing you to push them. I'm not going to be chicken anymore and continue letting you hurt me this way.

What needs to be said has been said. I still need to thank you for teaching me this lesson, and it's sad that you have to be the one to teach me this, because now, this friendship can no longer go on. I just wish you could have told me in the first place, that it never was important to you.

On this lazy Sunday afternoon, at exactly 4:58PM, with the quiet roads and distant shrieks of the children at the playground, it's hard to believe that my prelims are going to start in approximately fifteen hours. And I'm nowhere near sufficiently prepared. I'm quite overwhelmed by European History now, and all I want to do is chill and watch Charlie's Angels tonight. I can't remember the last time I actually sat down for a good two hours in front of the telly. Not that it's a bad thing, but I kinda miss those weekends where I'd spend my nights watching DVDs or movies on telly.

I reckon I ought to get back to work.

I love Confucious...

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall."

"Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" - Robert Browning.
(I don't understand this, but it sounds cool.)

And I really like this.

"There are two things to aim at in life; first to get what you want, and after that to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind has achieved the second." -Logan Pearsall Smith.

Well, ta.

Was feeling in the doldrums (which rhymes with longkang, well, it's not far from there) ever since I woke up this morning.

But I want to say thank you to Dari. For understanding me and for being so completely patient. You made me feel ten times better, and I'm glad that I told you everything. And your advice is priceless, of course.

I could never find another bunch of girls quite as lovely as this one.

Hello Chingy, Dari, Bel and Felicia. I miss you all and love you all so much. :)

I must've consumed enough oil today to fill a petrol tank. Thereabouts. Had dinner with my parents and my bro today. 'Twas awesome:) Went to East Coast Park after that for a walk, and it was so breezy. Beautiful night.

I don't know if this is good or bad, but you know what? For once, I don't care.

I DON'T CARE!

It's been a long time.

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own.

Hello, I'm going to be strong.

I have discovered a wonderful way to destress/take a break. And that is to write poems while listening to really calming music. I was doing just that yesterday, scribbling down anything that came on the fancy of my imagination while listening to this 3-CD compilation of piano music my mom bought. Apparently it's for meditation or yoga, and it's really nice to listen to.

I reckon I've stopped living here a long time ago. I'm living in my head instead. I spend my time daydreaming and thinking of stories about people I happen to find interesting, on the bus, on the streets. I think of all the things I'd love to do if I could afford the time to. And I just keep dreaming and dreaming.

I wish I could tell my brain to slow down for a bit. To stop thinking so much, because it never used to carry so much thoughts in the past. I want to tell it, hey, quit thinking for a bit, you're giving me a headache. I'm afraid that one day, when I finally wake up from my little fantasy world, because I feel as if I'm living in one, I'll become so disillusioned because all my expectations of my life and things can never be met.

So yes, I need to be a bit less dreamy, and stronger and more resilient. I feel as if I'm walking around with a fishbowl inverted over my head sometimes.

Alright. This rechargeable battery needs to go and recharge herself now.

Dear Mr. PM.

You were lamenting about the absymally low birth rate in Singapore, and you were wondering why none of the campaigns to raise it seemed to work. You credited it to Singaporeans, who are unwilling to give up their lifestyles to have kids, as these kids become "cost centres", apparently in the eyes of these Singaporeans.

Maybe it's not the desire for pleasure and enjoyment that money can satiate, that results in the low birth rate. Maybe it's this whole environment we live in. I don't know about anyone else, but I can't take this pressure-cooker environment I'm currently trapped in. There's a ticking time bomb inside of me, I feel it right there, tick tock, tick tock, everyday. I absolutely hate it. I don't remember detesting school this much in secondary school. I was sitting at the table this night and for no apparent reason, memories from Dunman filled my mind, and they were unstoppable. And the memories that surfaced... I saw the girls, I saw a whole lot of laughter and screaming, a whole lot of madcap fun, dancing, muddy fields, the canteen, the soccer fanatics in 4C, the Sour Plum Ping Pong League. I saw the good things. But what am I going to recall of junior college a year from now?

Well, it's easy to say that I'm already stuck here. I chose this route, and I know I need to live by it. Complaining isn't going to be of much help, but I need to let it out somehow. And since very dangerous images were going through my head in school, I figured I ought to vent my frustrations before I go loony. Writing can only do so much though. I need to be physical. Maybe I'll go find that rooftop tomorrow. Not to jump down from lah, if that's what you were thinking of. I could hardly think of dying now.

Why can't I just study with a bloody vengeance and not think of anything else? If I could think of a way to turn myself into a robot for two months, I would.

Why does this world function like that? Where we're productive tools of the economy, "economic digits", where our education is geared towards allowing us to be useful members of society next time, where what we're learning is not for the sake of personal, spiritual fulfilment of our own choice, but designed to equip us with knowledge so that we're capable of contributing to the GDP of our country in the future? Why are there territorial demarcations and notions of superiority even amongst fellow human beings? Why are there currencies and foreign exchange, why did we ever invent bombs and chemical warfare? Why do we view tragedies with apathy and even humour sometimes? Why are we like that? Why did we make our world like that?

This is so idealistic, somewhat nihilistic, and completely Buddhist-like, isn't it? Does it sound laughable that I'm asking such questions? Would you say, that without all these things, we wouldn't be able to enjoy our lives now, have instant access to any sort of information, we wouldn't have such high standards of living, we wouldn't be so advanced technologically, we wouldn't be able to do all the things our predecessors couldn't do? Would you say, that I'm being ridiculous and foolish, because it is a fact that our lives are better than it was in the past? That we don't have to labour to get water, we don't have to use candles to get light, we don't need to take days to get from one place to another?

But what if we did live for the sake of ourselves and for other humans, in the very real sense of the word. What if we didn't need to slog our guts out for our country, because there is no country? What if this world was one vast, unexplored place? We wouldn't know what enjoying technology would be like, because we'd never have experienced it, and because we've never known what it was, we couldn't possibly feel the loss of it. The expectations would be lower. Who is to say that a life with technology is better than a life without? Who can measure the happiness you derive from both types of lives?

Sometimes you don't need to ask so many questions, although they say asking questions is a sign of inquisitiveness and a bright mind. Sometimes it pays to think through something and really think about it, and try and formulate reasons why. Sometimes it's good to try and understand the psyche of a person and analyse why they behave in such a way, instead of complaining about that person and slamming him/her. Sylvia Plath wrote a poem titled, "The Courage of Shutting Up, in spite of Artillery!" Respect is still with those people who do not need to verbalise every thought process, those who are unchartered deep waters, whom no one has ever caused a ripple across its surface.

And this has turned out to be a completely random entry, and probably too long and convuluted. Well, if you're still reading this, thank you for "listening" to my musings.

And if you are still reading this, I can smirk and say that, ha ha, you did not wake me up from my slumber, because I couldn't possibly sleep with a whole load of thoughts on my mind. :)

Well, good night world. I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day, it always is. (And there's Jonathan on Singapore Idol to look forward to at least.)

/edit

Hahaha, I just realised that a few entries ago, I was talking about how much I'd miss JC. The fickleness of Melissa. Well I'll definitely miss some of the people here in NY, but I'm quite hesitant as to whether I'll actually miss NY itself. You know how eating too much of something at one go causes you to abhor that thing? Well, seeing too much of NY causes me to abhor it too. But this feeling will pass, of course. Time has a way of dimming bad memories and blunting particular emotions.

"He died doing what he loved best and left this world in a happy and peaceful state of mind."

I wonder what gave this man the right to say this. How could he possibly have died happy and unworried, when he has had no pre-conception of the ending of his life, no last goodbye to his wife and his young children? There was no forewarning whatsoever, no mental preparation.

The tragic irony is that he lived all these years, handling far more dangerous animals than a stingray, and he has lived a life relatively unscathed, but because of just one unfortunate, untimely sting, he died. According to the report, a stingray's sting is not fatal, and it is rare that people die from it, but because it pierced his heart... he, the great Crocodile Hunter, should die from it.

How could I say anything else to a man who has done much more for this earth we live on than any of us could hope to do, and who shouldn't leave this early, but rest in peace.

Life is so full of melancholy. You could be perfectly fine, and then just one thing that happens can change your whole state.

Why bother to look back and be filled with all this abhorrent, deplorable sadness? Why allow it to hurt?


There's no room for anything else, but to just move on, move along.

~!!!

gtdevsshiamGGTD!!!!!

sdltp!

gtsfad!

assh!!

cmycdi!

~!!

Oh man, please check Hinder out! I love their songs! And I have a thing for singers with growls in their voices. Ryan Star as well as the frontmen of Nickelback and Hinder. They're marvellous.

Well, today passed by again without me doing much. Spent my morning listening to music and doing a bit of Econs, then went out to Parkway with my bro. Hehehe. I had a lot of good food today, and I shall not say what I had, so Emmalyn can't say that I'm cheating myself. :p Speaking of which, I need to start running soon. Did some shopping with my mom after that, and had tea with her colleague as well. Her colleague's pretty amusing, pretty cool for a middle-aged woman!

On a random note, I love Kenny G and the saxophone is still my favourite instrument to listen to.

So we leapt from smooth stone to smooth stone sliding on the watery surface sound roaring in our ears to the beat of our pounding hearts and you asked me if this was forever and i whispered yes, this was for ever.

Honey why you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

I love this song by Hinder.