The dark grey clouds, pregnant with contained rain, cover every square inch of sky, and the overcast sky looms over the uneven horizon. Ominous, dangerous. The wind is a fierce gale, sending the leaves dancing to its frenzied tune, and it whips my hair across my face, and raises goosebumps on my skin.

The thunderstorms seem to reflect the past week. It must have been one of the worst weeks. Perhaps the worst week. Bad things just come one after another. And to top it off, it's been so rainy all of a sudden. Maybe this sounds stupid, but I think every single bad thing that happened this week has something to do with the divine being(s) up there. It is just very uncommon for so many bad things to happen within one single week.

My problems are so frivolous and trivial compared to what some other people face. I loathe that my problems are even problems, that I don't even wish to talk about them. And I hate the feeling of helplessness that I get whenever something happens and I can't do anything. But... I might not be able to comfort you much or say the right things, but if you want, I can be your listening ear and you can just talk everything out. I won't even say a word if you don't want me to. This goes out to all my friends.

Am utterly disinclined to go back to school tomorrow to retake the MCQ test for Economics. I am such an imbecile. Why on earth did I get 12/20 and not 13/20?! Okay, I probably should be saying, "Why didn't I work harder and score 15/20?!" or something along those lines, but seriously, just one more mark and I wouldn't need to go back to school!! Argh!

I cannot decide if what Mr. Kwek is doing is right or not, by placing so much emphasis on studies. Again, this might sound ridiculous, as after all, you go to a junior college to take A Levels and do well, right? But the pressure right now is really ridiculous. The stress and everything, its scary. I guess it pushes us to study, but if its at the expense of our welfare, then its not that good anymore.

I really cannot see anything fulfilling in my life anymore. I constantly have to find things to get me in a state of semi-excitement, e.g. gushing over Jungle Boy. And even then, I don't really care about him. Today, we watched a documentary during GP, about gene therapy. Those people are doing something meaningful. They're saving lives, researching on diseases. And what the heck am I doing? I'm just doing nothing. I'm stagnating. Sure, I'm studying, I'm playing basketball... but other than that, I don't do anything.

I don't mean to sound philosophical, but the past week has just made me question, what is life? Why are we made to go through such trials and tribulations? Why the fuck are those suicide bombers throwing their lives away when elsewhere in Africa, millions of people are struggling to stay alive? Who the hell gave people the right to kill others and slash them repeatedly? Why do certain people lament about their lives and think they are so pitiful when they have no idea how cruel life can be? Why are they living in their stupid well, thinking their lives are miserable when it is nothing compared to what others go through? I hate it. And I cannot understand why bad things always happen to the good people.

My brother is afflicted with some kind of rash on his entire body, even his face. I hope he gets well soon.

Michael Jordan is my source on inspiration, but maybe I just have to accept that there are some things I cannot change. My sister's words are beginning to make sense; sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just cannot achieve certain things. And this is one of them. In time, I might be able to achieve it, but I suppose it no longer is possible this year. I know I should not expect much, but I cannot help it. Perhaps I should just accept the fact that I am not good enough. Not yet anyway. Maybe in time, with more practice, I will become better. But that knowledge is not enough. It is not unfair at all, yet ...

But I'll look on the bright side. I'm not too sure what bright side there is as of now... but I'll try. It's pointless lamenting and feeling disgruntled.

I've been rather pissed of by some things. So I've resolved that I shan't say anything anymore. I want to do my part but if it makes them unhappy, so be it. I don't like feeling this resentment, but it's just there.

Sometimes, I really hate the idea that I am not perfect. I want to be perfect. Not shiny-plastic perfect, but perfect in the sense that I will always do the right thing, say the right thing. I detest having to tread around tentatively, not knowing what to say or do, that will be accepted, that will not anger anyone. I can't please the whole world, I know that. But I would like to please the people around me, the ones whom I'm close to, my friends and family.

"Accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory."

This was my motivation for 2005, but what is victory? Victory is not clear cut like winning first-place in a competition. Not in life. Victory is never-ending. At one point in time, you may want something very badly, and you may say, "All I want is blah blah blah." But it is not ALL you want. It is never all you want. Because after you have that "all" you end up wanting more.

On to brighter things... A levels are in 215 days as of tomorrow. I'm not trying to be sarcastic, because after the A levels, I'm going to go to Korea! And Xinhui said something during Lit class today, which really makes sense. She said something along the lines of wanting to do her own thing and pursue her own dreams, and in Singapore, that is not very possible. Which is very true. I want to do my own thing, pick up whatever passion I fancy. I don't want to spend my life at one job, working away, without time for travelling or writing, or cooking. It's not that Singapore is no good. She is pretty good compared to some other impoverished countries I guess. But sometimes, I feel that the government is an overprotective mother, wanting to cover every aspect of our lives, make sure that everything is done according to their ideal of "good" for the citizens. Yet if the government were to let go, would it really be better for us? We've gone through our whole lives administered in one way, and if it were to suddenly change, we wouldn't know what to do.

I realised that the things I'm good at, I'm not very, very good. And I don't want to be lacklustre. I don't want to be average. It's time to buck up, and I should stop resting on my laurels.

Okay, enough of my musings. Gotta complete my homework. Ta~

Yesterday night, we (my unni and I) rented "Just Like Heaven" and "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days". Okay, actually I sorta forced her to rent those, even thought I've watched both before. I was feeling melancholy and just a bit bitter, so I decided to watch movies that would cheer me up. And its funny how such movies, instead of making me even more bitter, never fail to cheer me up and imbue me with the hope that one day, one day I shall have my own sweet romantic ending.

Anyway, the movies were good. And I found this lovely song from Just Like Heaven. It's bittersweet, which is how I've been feeling of late.

Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream she said
The one that makes me laugh she said
And threw her arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
Why are you so far away? she said
Why won't you ever know that I’m in love with you
That I'm in love with you

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven

It's called Just Like Heaven too, and it's a cover done by Katie Melua of the original version by The Cure. I think I might have a penchant for tragedy. Sometimes, I think I secretly relish it. Rather frightening.

Another worthy mention is "Ever After" by winter's_serenade. It's this fanfiction I came across on ficaholics.com. It's awesome. It's tragedy without death. The most subtle of tragedies. And the situation the female protaganist finds herself in, her emotions... everything about the fiction is so personal, so intimate, so realistic. One would most definitely be able to relate to it.

Just for a Choi Sungwoo in my life...

Sometimes I really wonder why I like such things so much. Romantic comedies, romance dramas, fanfictions of the romance genre, love poems, sitting by the window and breathing in the night air and thinking of a million things to do with love... My sister says I live too much in my own world, my own mind, and I am inclined to believe her. I wonder about the day when I truly discover that all of my romantic notions were a farce and meant absolutely nothing.

Alright. Going off now... night.

Patrick: "Some asshole paid me to take this awesome girl out."

Kat: "Did he?"

Patrick: "But I screwed up...

... I fell for the girl."

I hate the way you talk to me,
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots,
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
It even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way your always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate the way you make me laugh,
Even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when your not around,
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
Not even close,
Not even a little bit,
Not even at all.

Watched "10 Things I Hate About You" awhile ago. Not quite as good as I anticipated it to be... but it was alright. Heath Ledger is so hot in that show. When he smiles, I feel as if he could brighten up my whole day. And I officially declare myself a Julia Stiles fan. Even though her eyebrows looked funny in the movie, the moment she started reading out the above poem, I was sunk. I don't know if its the role that suits her personality, but she carried it off to perfection. I even wanted to cry, the way she was reading it, her barely-controlled tears, the way her whole face turned red with the effort of keeping her tears back.

I've been meeting very strange people of late, and I don't know why.

Stay strong.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and I let you in.
And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.

And this is the type of man I hope I marry.

This is the most beautiful part of the song from Hands Down.

As I listened to it on the bus, I felt removed from all the people around me. I felt as if I was there, invisible and they couldn't see me, but I could see them. That I could do absolutely anything and they wouldn't be able to see it. And the sun shone brightly, reflecting the waxy surfaces of the green, green leaves of the trees along the pavement, and the streets were quiet and the roads busy.

I reckon I must've died at that moment.

"This is the excellent foppery of the world: that when we are sick in fortune -- often the surfeit of our own behaviour -- we make guilty of our disasters the sun, the moon, and the stars, as if we were villains by necessity, fools by heavenly compulsion, knaves, thieves, and treacherers by spherical predominance, drunkards, liars and adulterers by an enforced obedience of planetary influence, and all that we are evil in by a divine thrusting on. An admirable evasion of whoremaster man, to lay his goatish disposition to the charge of stars!" --Edmund, King Lear.

I love this particular soliloquy by Edmund. He seems to be so much more advanced in his mentality as compared to the other characters in the book. After studying King Lear yesterday, I realised that it's actually quite a good play. I'm beginning to discover why I like Literature again. It's just that little zing of excitement you get when you sense foreshadowing in a character's words, and sometimes, it's even like a Math problem sum. Trying to suss out the real meaning behind the old English words, and then actually succeeding is really quite satisfying. Not to mention, you get to be a pseudo-intellectual for that few seconds or so.

I guess why I enjoy Lit so much, is because of the two Lit teachers I had in Sec 3 and Sec 4. I didn't even want to take Lit when we were making our subject combination choices in Sec 2. I wanted to take History instead (oh, the horror!). I was rather disgruntled when I received my subject combination. Our class, 4C, was to be the only class to take Lit in the whole of the express stream. You could imagine our bitterness.

But Mrs Ang and Mdm Wee were really good teachers, despite their eccentricities. I guess on retrospect, we find that they were truly dedicated to our learning and understanding of Literature. But more than that, I think I can safely say all of us earned a begrudging sort of respect for the subject. They were the ones who made Literature such a memorable subject.

Mdm Wee especially, was one of a kind. She could be so bitter at points in time, yet she really was so nice. She never once lost her temper or sent us to the DM despite the countless times we poked fun at her so obviously. I can never get over the "book" of her life story Darianne and I did, which she chanced upon, and I blithely lied that it was of someone else. But I know she knew we were talking about her. I regret doing all the mean things we did to her, but she never once screamed at us. I think she regarded us as naughty children who had to be administered with patience and gentle rebuking. Which in so many ways, we were. She was always encouraging me to write, and always writing nice things for my essays. I still remember her words, "I hope to see you as an accomplished writer in the near future." And when she asked me in Sec 4 if I intended to take Lit in JC, I rebelliously said, "No." When she said, "Why? Your Lit is good!", I stubbornly replied, "But I don't like the subject." I was actually trying to hint to her that I didn't like the way she taught. And she felt my antagonism.

But I'm taking Lit now, once again. I never disliked the subject, and I will always be grateful to Mdm Wee. Without her, I don't think I could've done quite so well in Lit as I did. And maybe someday, I will write a book and give her the very first copy that gets published. (I talk as if I'm some damn big shot, hahaha.) Maybe I'll write about my school life. And go under an European alias, because local authors never sell quite as well.

Okay, enough crap. Need to go shower now. Annyong!

&$*@$*(^%(&$*YQ*$Y(%$*)$

I wanna kill myself!!!

My ulcer is bleeding after I went to put salt on it. Which is ridiculous, because I've never heard of a bleeding ulcer.

Damnit.

On top of that, there's so freaking much to study for History. Why didn't I drop History instead of Maths???

But I bet if I dropped History, I'll be wondering why I didn't drop Maths instead.

I suck lah.

Am due to start studying in a few minutes or so. History's tomorrow! Frightful.

Today's GP was alright... I did the question, "The poor deserves to be poor. How true is this in the global arena?" I don't know if I did it correctly... but I hope I can pass with a decent grade. It's time to start reading more newspapers and intellectual magazines. I couldn't really understand what the second passage of the comprehension was talking about. I have a feeling my English is deteriorating. Or it has already deteriorated.

I can't wait for Friday night! According to Zhiying, we're going out and be "misfits". Which is fine by me. Hahaha. Yay, we can finally eat, shop, walk and talk in peace, and not worry about the pile of notes to be studied at home. At least not for Friday night!

I want to walk and walk, discover some unknown, magical forest. Dance amid the carpet of fallen leaves, breathe in the scent of the plethora of wild flowers. The sunshine will be my spotlight, a twig my microphone, the forest floor my stage, and the birds, trees, sky, animals my audience. And I shall sing and dance without inhibition.

Someday all my dreams shall come true.

In the meantime, spread the love.

(Part of Jason Mraz's The Remedy)

I won't worry my life away.
I won't worry my life away.

When I fall in love I take my time
There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind
You can turn off the sun but I'm still gonna shine and I'll tell you why
Because

The remedy is the experience. It is a dangerous liaison
I say the comedy is that its serious. Which is a strange enough new play on words
I say the tragedy is how you're gonna spend the rest of your nights with the light on
So shine the light on all of your friends, because it all amounts to nothing in the end.

I won't worry my life away.
I won't worry my life away.
I won't and I won't and I won't

(:

Good luck for the BLOC (apparently that's the way its spelt, as Emma's VJC friend said. VJ & NYJC indeed got difference hor) tests, everyone!

When I grow up, and when I'm in my thirties or so, I want to move to England for maybe a year or two. I'll live in London, taking walks in Hyde Park, feeding the pigeons, eating eggs, bacon and toast for breakfast and reading the paper. Then I'll move to the countryside, where I'll live on a comfortable expanse of green, grassy land. There'll be a homely cottage at the side, with a white picket fence surrounding it, and tomatoes in my backyard, and pretty billowing curtains at the windows. I'll have a small, cosy kitchen with wooden cupboards, and big windows that allow plenty of sunshine in. I'll have potted plants and flowers by the windows, so that there will always be a nice smell in my kitchen. And when the sun shines in my kitchen, I'll feel like the happiest person alive, and I'll dance to Jason Mraz on the radio, holding a spatula in my hand and wearing a pink apron at my waist, with a pot of spaghetti bubbling on the stove.

I'll have cows, pigs, chickens, and sheep. And when the sun is setting, I'll chase after them on the green fields with my trusty collies. One will be a female, and the other a male. We'll herd them back into their pens, and I'll rub each and every one of them down and talk to them, and asked them how their day went. Or maybe I'll just have my two dogs and a horse, because I know I wouldn't be able to kill the animals for food or sell them off.

I'd be happy and smiling everyday, and I'd have a million crowfeet and I wouldn't care. I'll run and jump through my green fields, laughing, laughing, shouting, letting the wind carry my happiness through the air and infect everyone else with it. I'll carry a metal bucket and collect water from a meandering stream that runs through my green fields. The water will be clear and there will be little fishes darting about.

At night, I'll lay out a blanket on the grass, and lie down, facing the vast, velvet black sky, with my two dogs and horse beside me. I'll be able to see millions and millions of stars and constellations. Maybe I'll even get to see the Milky Way. The air will be cool and brisk, and I'll breathe it in, in deep lungfuls. I'll close my eyes eventually, and fall asleep underneath the diamond-studded sky.

Life could be so simple, so beautiful.

To read Enid Blyton books again, and put out a blanket on the floor of my parents' bedroom, because they had air-conditioning, and sit on it with my brother, and pretend that we were in a magical wishing chair, going to exotic places, fighting bad goblins... Believing that there were pixies, fairies and elves in this world. Pretending that we were characters from "The Secret Island" and escaped to a secret island from our evil aunty and uncle, whom we lived with because our parents supposedly died in a plane crash, and we had to build treehouses and pluck wild strawberries...

To accompany my mom to the market again, so that we could buy Precious Puppies, which came in little packets, and then go home and play with them. In the early morning, we'd walk to the market with our mom in our PJs, holding hands.

I'd give anything to have a day to return to my childhood again.

A quick update on how studying is coming along: Rather bad. I keep forgetting that I haven't finished European history. Drat. There's a lot to cover, and so little time. Even though I've been studying everyday for the past week, somehow I haven't finished everything. Or I can't seem to remember anything. Sigh. And even after the block tests are over, I will still be so busy. I have to settle the thing for the CCA tshirts, do the project for Pre U Sem, and not forgetting going for trainings.

I've always hated having my life so jam-packed with activities. I prefer languishing around, having time to do whatever I want to do. Going to the mall to catch a movie just because I feel like it, watching TV in the afternoon, playing badminton, going to the reservoir to jog...

Things change, and I guess I have to change my lifestyle as well.

Currently waiting for one of my Pre U Sem teammates to come online so we can start our discussion, and also for Ms. Jeeva's call so that I can ask her some questions.

So tired. Just now while running to answer the phone, I accidentally stubbed my toe against the chair. It hurt like hell, and I was jumping up and down like a chicken with its head cut off. Okay, the simile is a little inaccurate. Then while trying to get home from Serangoon Gardens, I boarded the wrong bus, and ended up in some unknown place. This is the second time I took the wrong bus lor. The first time was yesterday. Argh. Felt unbelievably stupid and asinine.

A couple of interesting things happened today. Haha. I was at the coffeeshop with Emma and Mark, trying to use my chopsticks to shell the prawns in my seafood soup. This obese, old man who runs the chicken rice stall in the coffeeshop (I didn't even buy my food from him) started telling me that I ought to finish all my rice and soup first, then use my hands to peel the prawns, then after that wash my hands. I smiled at him, thinking he was being nice, then he started saying I didn't use my brains, and kept repeating his instructions. I wanted to kick his ass right there man. What business is it if I use my chopsticks or my feet to peel the prawns? I was so bloody annoyed. And all I did was simply smile at him. Then I continued using my chopsticks to peel the prawns. Argh!! Emma said I could report him to the police, cos he was using foreign domestic help to sell his chicken rice. I'll never ever patronize his stall lor. Power of the consumer! Not that it'd do him any harm... his business is quite good. Stupid man.

Then Mark's creepy friend who came from AJC to NYJC for I-don't-know-what-reason kept insisting that he knows me, and that I look really familiar. Was rather disturbed, because I have never seen him in my life. At least I don't think I have, but I have short-term memory loss, so I might've seen him somewhere before and not remembered.

Okay lah. Going off now. Annyong~

I'm dead tired. I fell asleep on the bus, and I just wanted to lie down and stretch out, enjoying the air-conditioning and shutting my eyes forever. At least till I deem to wake up.

The past few days have been spent studying, eating, going for trainings, whining and complaining... What kind of stupid holiday is this, anyway? Ugh!! The A levels aren't even here yet and I'm already stressed out. I haven't stayed at home for a full day since... I don't know when.

Have you ever looked at those old people and wondered who they were in their pasts? Most of the time, we just see them as old people who're always there. But I sometimes wonder, what is the story behind that wrinkle-lined face, that perpetual frown, that grumpy nature, that stiff leg? Then I wonder, will I be like that next time? Everybody grows old... but am I going to be one of those nameless old people, who all look alike?

When I take the late bus to school on normal school days, there will always be this old couple; a plump man and a woman. Despite the white hair on both of their heads, their faces are not as wrinkled and lined as the other old people I've seen. And its really sweet, cos you don't see old couples so often anymore. The old man will always help his wife onto the bus, because she has arthritis I think, and he will tap both their cards on the EZ-Link reader, while his wife goes and sits down. He will then pass her a blanket for her to cover her legs with.

Everytime I see them, I think of the song "Love, me" by Colin Raye.

I need to go on a journey of self-discovery and self-improvement. I just keep feeling like I'm not a good enough person. The thoughts that go through my head sometimes, scare me quite a bit. Sure, they're thoughts and just that. But why do I even have such bad thoughts in the first place? I want to be pure on the inside. I need to go for an anger-management course, and a course that teaches you to be kind and forgiving even when the person pisses you off like hell... I know its impossible, but sometimes I wish I were a saint, without any evil or bad thoughts about people and things.

I want to declutter. But where am I supposed to find the time??

I love the song Life Goes On by 2pac.

I got into Pre U Seminar, yay.

But the thing is, I just know its going to clash with trainings. I am so effing dead. Crap, what in the world was I thinking, that I could cope with both things.

I'm so screwed, I hope I work something out eventually.

Went out to study with Zhiying today at McCafe. I finally finished the section on political impact, but I've only finished reading it, not memorizing. Aish. There's tons of material to cover for the block tests, and there's only a week left. Time is just whizzing by this year. It seems only like yesterday when the block tests were a month away. Now, before you know it, they are seven days away!

I want to cherish everything and everyone I have in this year, because next year, it'll all be gone. I shan't be moody anymore. Even if I am, I shan't show it. Happiness is a choice... and I want to be happy and smiling!

Can't wait for tomorrow. I get to see Darianne again! Together with Jevan, Yusho, Bernard and some others. I should go back to Dunman sometime soon. I spent some of the best years of my life in there. One day, I'll give something back to Dunman. Maybe I'll donate a statue or something, hahaha. (Remember those scary statues that were rumoured to come alive at night?)

It seems like a lifetime, and yet not so, when I think back to those days. When we were "young and stupid". When we were still running to the canteen to buy curry chicken noodles, when we were screaming our heads off with laughter, when we were splashing water at each other in the toilet, throwing cake at each other and then getting scolded by the teacher...

Everyone's grown up now. Even my Chingy has a boyfriend now. (I sound like her mother) Which in a way, is justified, because she was always so shy around the guys she used to have a crush on. She was probably the shy-est in our group. And now, she's got somebody and he loves her. (That's from a song, puahaha.)

I feel as if our lives will never be the same again. Sometimes, I wish to gently wipe the makeup off Belinda's face, and to see her unpainted face again. I want the secondary school Belinda back with me again. I don't know where she's gone to. Of the five of us, she's the one who grew up the fastest. She's not a kid anymore, but a woman. I still remember the way she'd tie her hair in a neat ponytail, and tuck out her blouse only a little, how she'd carry her purse in one hand while I stuffed mine into my pocket, how she'd always go to the toilet to arrange her fringe... I miss her so much. I miss that Belinda.

I miss Chingy's crazy antics, and how she'd do hilarious actions in public without caring a hoot who was looking. I remember her classic martial arts pose at Conrad Hotel, in her black fishnet stockings and Dari's blue Adidas shoes.

I miss Dari's presence next to me during class. I miss how she would lie on me, and how I'd lie on her, and we would sneakily eat candy during class. I miss how we'd dance in class, and how we made a book on Mdm Wee's life, how she'd laugh till her face turned red, how she'd make funny noises and expressions and crack me up... I miss her unique, Darianne sweetness that's just one of a kind.

I miss Felicia's gracefulness during dance, and how she'd willingly oblige me when I asked her to do one of BoA's dances. I still remember how she fell down during dancing to one of BoA's songs, and got up again, pretending nothing happened. At the same time, I miss her crazy laughter, her sarcasm, her "You want sweet?" action that would freak anyone out.

We spun round and round, on that crazy carousal of friendship and love, our hands holding one another's tightly, knowing none of us would ever let go. Everything around us was a blur, yet that blur was our Paradise. All we needed to hear was the sound of our mad laughter, and all we saw was one another's sparkly, dancing eyes, scrunched up in delirious happiness.

Do you girls remember how we'd use to spin round outside 4B? I still remember.

I miss each of you so badly. We've all changed and nothing can ever bring the past back. I know I shall never find another love like this one.

Don't start if you weren't ever going to continue.

And you and I are worlds apart, but I want to be a part of your world.

Ellis says that if this continues for another 2 months, I will be on her loser list. Hahaha.

I feel as if I should implode/explode soon.

I need to talk all my innermost feelings out, yell out my secret desires and longings for the world to hear...

Yet I cannot.

Okay, so I said I'll never speak to my bro again, but I can't help myself. Can't seem to stay angry at him.

And in case I seem like a barbarian from my previous post... I've never hit my brother! I just feel violent at times when I'm really angry.

Today wasn't exactly peachy. I was trying to eat my fishball, but it dropped back into my bowl of soup, and the soup splashed onto my face and blouse. Vincent's junior, who happened to be amusing herself with a puppet porcupine in front of me, started giggling like it was very funny. Which I suppose it might've been, if it wasn't me who got embarrassed.

Then we had a sort of intervention thingy with our Lit teacher... It didn't go well at all. For one thing, I think she took offense. Oh well, guess I'll just do my own research and stuff.

I just realised that I've got loads of stuff to study for History. I need gazillion of hours a day.

There's this guy who really reminds me of Bernard Hoon. But he's cuter than Bernard, hahaha. (Berdy, if you're reading this don't be angry ah) He lives just a stop away from me, surprisingly. I've never seen him before till last week. He hardly ever takes the same bus as me, except for today and last week. Hmm.

Okay... guess I'll end here for now. Long day tomorrow. Night!

Eff it.

I really, really wish I could hit you right now. Slap your face, slap some sense into you.

I've had enough. I'm never speaking to you ever again.

Cos they only want, only want my Hahaha Hahaha
Only want, what they want,
But nuh-uh-uh, nuh-uh-uh!

I love this song by The Pussycat Dolls. The girl sounds so hot. Woohoo.

Eileen ah, Halu is already dead. Lol. A bit too late to change his fate. Ahaha.

I met an ex-acquaintance just now. Hmm, is that an appropriate word? He called out to me like we were long lost friends. And started talking to me in such a friendly, affable way, as if we were friends.

I've never forgotten his superficiality though. That's why I use the word "ex-acquaintance".

I don't like the emotional control people have over me sometimes. This emotional control gives me the strength to be happy, yet it can easily hurt me too.

Thirteen days to block tests. It's do or die!

JB is awfully enigmatic. I saw him eating like a barbarian today, but I don't blame him, because he probably was influenced with the people whom he hangs out with, one of whom I will have to marry in future, because I always leave rice behind on my plate. Hahaha. Okay, but he isn't engimatic because of the way he eats. He's engimatic because of his silence, of that calm, assured aura about him. But yeah, he really looks like a construction worker. I can imagine him in his yellow hard hat, in boots and a scruffy, tucked-out shirt, squatting by the roadside, scarfing down nasi lemak. Haha. Conversely, I can so imagine him in a tuxedo, the quiet man in the corner of the room, sipping his glass of wine and observing the people around him.

I wonder what its like inside his world. He intrigues me.

Okay its so late already, I gotta do History. Annyong~

That's what we all need. I need one myself too.

Life is so complex.

The school had not changed one bit. Save for its derelict state, everything was exactly the same as Soojung had left it, five years ago.

As she entered the classroom, she could feel his presence, even detect a faint whiff of his unique lavender scent.

The classroom seemed so small now. The square blue desks, which had been vandalized countless of times, together with the old plastic hairs, several of them missing a leg or two; they were all paraphernelia of her past.

Soojung ran her hand over the blackboard, worn smooth with repeated use. Picking up a tiny stump of chalk, she began to scrawl across the board.

"I promise to wash my shoes."
"I will not cheat during Math tests again."
"I will not fight with my classmates anymore."

"I love Halu."

"I love Halu."

"I love Hal----"

The chalk fell to the dirty cement floor, breaking into tiny fragments, as a tiny cloud of white dust floated up towards Soojung.

She felt very much like an intruder as she treaded down the last aisle, right to the back of the classroom. She remembered vividly where the writings were. Pausing at the second last table of the last row, she eased herself into the small chair. This had been her seat. Halu had sat just behind her. It had been perfect for sleeping during boring lessons, or gazing out into the forest next to the school, daydreaming. Turning to the strip of wall next to her desk, the merest of smiles lit up Soojung's face as she found what she was looking for.

In faint blue ink, eternally faded into the wall, were the words, scrawled in childish handwriting,

"Halu sucks. >__<"

Right below that declaration however, in the minutest of inscriptions possible, was a paradoxical sentence,

"I love him."

As she got up from her seat, Soojung turned around, and as she sat down in Halu's seat, the tears started pouring forth, unstoppable, a torrent of grief and memories intermingling.

Bittersweet.

"Halu, Halu I miss you. I miss you and I wish you'd come back. Halu..."

And in that instant, for the briefest of moments, Soojung felt him next to her, all around her. He was laughing... he was sticking his tongue out, his eyes were dancing... His hair, tousled and obscuring his vision... His tall, lanky frame enscased in his messy, rumpled uniform... His mouth uttering her name.

"Soojungie!"

And then he was gone.




Where do we go from here?

Mark: "I'm glad I came to NYJC."

Me: "Because you met me right?"

Mark (giving me a dubious look): "I haven't finished my sentence yet."

That's so typical Mark, isn't it? Haha. Went to study with him today. Emma was s'pposed to meet us in the evening, but she couldn't make it in the end. We were supposed to meet at 2.45pm, but only started studying at 4+pm!

Before we went for dinner, Mark wanted to go into Lido and see if we could buy tickets for an M18 show. Initially, he wanted me to try and get tix for Brokeback Mountain, because he thinks I can pass of as twenty. I felt so insulted, lol. I was trying not to laugh at the counter when Mark pondered the seating screen with his poker face and asked me if I wanted the side rows, because all the seats in the middle row were taken up, and I said no. That was our plan, if the woman didn't ask us to produce our ICs. After that, we turned to walk off, and I tripped over this Caucasian boy's skateboard in front of the whole queue of people lining up to buy their tickets. It was all Mark's fault!!

Nevertheless, today was pretty good, studying was fruitful.

Sometimes I wonder, what it'd be like if U2 boy had continued sms-ing me. If we had kept in contact and gone out. Because he's one of the few guys, maybe the only guy, that I felt that sheer attraction to. You could say it was a kind of chemistry we shared.

But I guess some things were never meant to be, and I think I'll keep that memory in that section of my mind, marked "Unforgettable". Maybe one day, I'll meet him again.

I love being motivated and actually doing my assignments on time.

Lol, that stupid song by some female singer. The "Hahaha" song. It's such a stupid yet addictive song. Wahaha.

I'm so tired. Went to the gym today with Emmalyn, then we showered and started studying with some of our classmates in the library. Emmalyn is so cute. Everytime she sees people mugging, she'll go, "Eh! That one very hardworking one!" Then she'll get all stressed up and start laughing. We studied in the library till they switched the lights off. Seems to be becoming a habit of ours. Went for dinner at Serangoon Gardens, then sat down in Mac to continue studying. Mark joined us like dunno how many hours later, because he got lost! Hilarious man.

That Mark ah! He did something so ridiculous today, although I don't really blame him, because I nearly did the same thing before. Man, I just hope JB doesn't make any connections!!

Shoutout to Ellis & Emma: Thank you both so much for your chocolates!! I really appreciate your concern & much love to both of you! <3

That's what I am. Got a C6 for Chinese... I know I was just praying to pass at first, but when you hear everyone around you getting As and Bs, it just kind of makes you feel stupid. And I merely passed my Oral... I was so disappointed that I cried, but not the bawling type, just the silent sobbing. Which was quite bad anyway. My classmates are cute though. Packs of tissue came flying in, but I only used 1 piece. I guess on the bright side, I don't need to retake it, and this is definitely spurring me on to work harder for the A's. Especially when I see all those people going up on stage to shake the principal's hand because they got 3 and 4 distinctions. Hm!

Went to the Chinese sinseh at SR Central today. I think the people there cheated me of my money. Because it isn't my ankle that's giving me problems, but somewhere along the side of my calf. But she went to wrap the medicinal paste around my ankle... and I can feel pain on the side of my calf still. Aigoo.

Today Emmalyn and I met her coach in Mac, and he treated us to ice-cream! I was so embarrassed I didn't know what to do! Because I don't even know him on a personal basis, and he bought ice-cream for us. Very nice of him!

Realised that someone shares the same affections as me for Jungle Boy. Puahaha.

I just realised that the guy who got 8 distinctions got a distinction for GP too. Wow. He must really be a super genius.

Getting late. I'll be off now. Annyong~