Awesome, I woke up at 11:23AM this morning.

We had our GP prelims yesterday, right smack in the middle of the week. And I'm positive I screwed my essay component up. Whatever possessed me to choose the question I did, I will never know. Damn stupid lah! (I don't know if I'm referring to myself or the question, probably both.) But I realised that I really need to start reading stuff on general world issues and whatnot.

I fell for the lamest prank yesterday night. It's the type of prank that you'd know was a prank the moment you heard/saw it. And like everything else, I had the honour of falling for it. I'm still feeling mightily embarrassed though. (I hope you feel guilty, you head-on-the-bench!)

I probably should get down to work soon, I know I haven't got much time left, but it just hasn't registered. The weather's so perfect for strolling around though. Or watching loads of DVDs. Or reading some nice book in bed.

Time's gone by so fast. Proper tutorials and lectures have ended. It's pretty much our own space and time to study from now on. Mark asked me if I'll miss this place when I leave, and you know what, I think I will. I won't miss running to the bus-stop and tripping over my own feet and falling down in the process, or the 45-minutes journey, but I'll miss sitting at the sit-up benches every morning. I'll miss each and everyone of the basketball girls, their idiosyncracies and our friendship. I'll miss trudging up five flights of stairs to get to the Econs classroom, and Emmalyn's bitter complaints. I'll miss Mr. Tan's lessons, in which he never fails to bring up Manchester United some way or another. I'll miss European History lectures and our appreciation of Wagner and Handel. I'll miss Mrs. Gan's soft-spoken demeanour, and her loud burtsts of laughter. I'll even miss the smoke in Miss Victor's lessons.

I'll miss eating fishballs that look like my face, and drinking bitter cups of coffee to keep awake. I'll miss worshipping Reena (in her words) and her famous phrase, "I slap you ah!" which she declares more than once a day, but has yet to make good her word. I'll miss Zhiying's ball-ripping songs and her "We'll be back in a jiffy". I'll miss the whole food gang, The Life of P.B. Chan and Her Arch-Nemesis, The Incinerator, Ling Hui, Ellis' tininess, The Cronies, and our birthday celebrations and crayon cards. I'll miss spending half my time blowing flies away at night while studying, having my own earpiece unceremoniously stuffed into my ear and only leaving school when's it's pitch-black.

I could never regret coming here.

And it's now 1pm, and I really need to start doing something.
Till the next time.

I felt an overpowering dizziness and nausea in the bus on the way home today, and this bone-weariness that sunk into every fibre of my body. I'm sick of feeling so tired everyday. It's times like these, when I want to escape to somewhere else. Somewhere secret, away from the noise.

I was in the library today, and the sunlight that shone through the circular hole and flooded my side of the table made me think of London. And for just a few minutes, I sat there staring out of the window. For a few minutes, I wasn't in the library, I wasn't in Singapore, but in my own idyllic, idealistic world.

Slow down, this night's a perfect shade of dark blue.

I'd love to lie with you and just forget the world.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Hello, I love you so.



:)

Hi!

Feels like a long time since I've been online, I seem to be out of touch with the world. I spend more time in the school campus now than anywhere else.

Okay, something always happens in my life that spices things up. I never have a dull moment. Or at least a dull week.

Well, we had stepdown for us J2s today, and farewell-cum-reunion was last Saturday. I love my juniors, thank you girls for being the sweetest bunch ever! :)

Guess what, today I realised that Prelims are in 17 days time, which is 2 weeks and 3 days. And I haven't even started doing up a study timetable, despite intending to do so after the midterms. Hur hur hur. I'm all talk, no action.

I feel like rambling on about inane matters, but nothing seems to come to mind. And I'm going to hit the sack soon anyway.

Oh, lately I realised that my face looks like the fishballs from Soupy Place (which is the fishball noodles stall in my school). Yes, and did I ever tell you we have interesting names for the stalls in our canteen? The Malay food stall is called "Sedap!" (yes, with the !), the mini "bakery" is called "Deli Inn", the drinks stall is called "Quench", and the vegetarian food stall is called... can you guess? "Vegeland"! Haha. There're others stalls, all with equally interesting names.

Anyway, the fishballs from Soupy Place are not your ordinary round balls. They're elongated, so that they're more oval than round, and they're BIG. Yeah, and the similarity is striking. If I ever get the chance to, I'll post a picture of the original fishball, and the pseudo fishball (which is my face).

Am really becoming a fishball by the way, I had a damn good slice of apple pie today, and a durian puff, that was so potent, that when I silently burped, Eileen could smell the durian. Disgusting I know, but that's how authentic the durian paste was.

Wake up, it's time little girl, wake up.
All the best of what we've done is yet to come.
Wake up, it's time little girl, wake up.
Just remember who I am in the morning.

This (the above) has been on my mind all day long. It's the bridge of Ryan Star's "Losing Your Memory", (see previous entry for video!) and in my opinion, it's the best part of the entire song. The raw, unadulterated passion with which he sings that part chills me, but in a good way. And I was not kidding when I said it brought tears to my eyes. So Zhiying, I don't care if you fall in love with him, watch the video!

And, life may be a vacuum cleaner at times; it sucks. But hey, life's a broom too, it sweeps you away. :D

Fight on, whoever's reading this. The best is yet to come, we're only going to emerge stronger from this.

This is awesome, it brought tears to my eyes!

When our time is up
When our lives are done
Will we say we've had our fun?

Will we make a mark this time?
Will we always say we tried?

Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
This is all we got now
Everybody scream your heart out.

All the love I've met
I have no regrets
If it all ends now, I'm set

Will we make a mark this time?
Will we always say we tried?

Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
Standing on the rooftops
Everybody scream your heart out.
This is all we got now
Everybody scream your heart out.

I need a rooftop, to scream my heart out. Does anyone want to come with me to find a rooftop?

Was re-reading the extract on Volcano Lover yesterday night, and I found this part particularly thought-provoking.

"Why enter? There are many places like this one. A field, a square, a hooded street, an armory, a parking lot, a pier. This could be anywhere, though it happens to be here. It will be full of everywhere. But I would be entering it here."

Here. You know how something, or some place could be awfully similar to anywhere else, and at first glance, nothing seems to be different, nothing seems to be striking. But because you've already known what that something, or some place feels like, it's wholly different for you. Not to anyone else, but to you. It's a private experience for you, it's special to you. I don't know where I'm heading with this, but that excerpt just struck me at the point I was reading it.

You know how they say time heals all wounds, and that since you were happy before knowing what something felt like, and therefore, you can be happy too if that something ever leaves you? And that as long as you choose to really forget, and move on, then you can? But I've always remembered this from King of the Castle, a sentence that for some reason has buried itself deep in my mind. -"You can never go back to the time of not knowing."

You can never go back to the time of not knowing what something felt like, because it's already happened to you, because it's already entered your skin and fused with your soul. It's already a part of your memory, and maybe your heart already recognizes it. And unless you get amnesia, maybe you'll never be able to put it behind you.

Wear your heart on your sleeve,
It'll almost certainly bleed.

Me: Papa, can you give me extra pocket money next week so that I can vote for Jonathan?

Dad: NO! I will not encourage such an unintelligent... (pauses for five seconds) superficial evaluation of human nature!

Me: WAH LAO!!!!

My dad is so weird lah! Don't ask me where he picked up such weird usage of the English language, it sure isn't from me!

Anyway, it has to be done. I need to assasinate Joa_k_m Gom_z. The greatest irony was that the three best performers were in the bottom group! Well, at least Jonathan is still in the competition. So unfair okay. I'm going to vote more for Jonathan next week!! (YATI YOU BETTER STOP VOTING FOR JOA_K_M GOM_Z!)

The bulk of the week is finally over, and with it are the Pre-Prelims. (Now, have you heard of a stranger thing?) They've been giving me so much stress man. The History test today slaughtered me. Was supposed to do 4 essays in 3 hours, but I only did 2. I wrote an introduction for the source-based question for the European component, and in desperation at the end of the intro, I wrote, (I'm sorry, I tried my best.) The ironic thing is, I wrote in my introduction the sentence, "Through close analysis of the sources, I will attempt to show whether the evidence confirms the statement." And that was all I did for the European component. A measly introduction for SBQ. And when Mr. Kellett saw what I wrote, he gave me his trademark smile and said, "Well, at least you tried your best." He's damn amusing lah, haha. Anyway, it's over, at least for this week!

Was looking forward to having an early bedtime, but as luck would have it, our GE presentation is tomorrow, and we haven't done anything at all. Gah.

Finally running tomorrow, I'm relieved. I was considering the state of my thighs today, and it is deplorable.

Okay, I gotta do the damn essay now, ta!

"Silly," she said.

"I can't be like that."

If it's over, let it go and
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
I'm just a bird that's already flown away

Laugh it off let it go and
When you wake up it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay

I really like the chorus of this song. (Yes, it's by Hilary Duff.) It's about living life without all the burden and pain of holding on to what-could-have-beens. It's about letting go of the things that hurt you, yet the same things which for the longest, or the briefest moments, gave you indescribable joy. It's about not dwelling on what is already gone.

Sometimes I wish I lived in Jane Austen's period. Especially after watching the remake of Pride and Prejudice, I should think I wouldn't mind Elizabeth Bennett's life. Walking along long meadows, reading a book... walking for miles and miles, and she's really witty too. Aside from the marriage part, where most people marry those with money and status, I could really do with that sort of slow-paced, unhurried lifestyle. I could walk wherever I want, surround myself with nature if I don't feel like speaking to anyone. This life gets me really tired sometimes, and it's so difficult to find something to trudge on for. I know people have their religions and their ambitions, but I have neither. I just can't seem to put myself into any religion as of yet. Maybe next time, but I honestly need a religion I can truly believe in. I don't ever want to have doubts about the religion. And ambitions, I don't know what it is I want to do yet. I have no burning desire to scale the corporate ladder, or invent anything that will benefit all of mankind, or contest in the general election or whatever. All I know is that I've thought about it, and I really don't want a life whereby I go to work, sit at a cubby-hole and type out meaningless stuff I don't give a hoot about. I need challenges in my work, but I don't want it to be so stressful that I cry and tear my hair out.

In three months, it'll be over, and I'll be able to find myself again.

I love the way he plays the piano. It's as if he's trying to pour everything he wants to say into the keys, it's as if he's one with the music.

I finally completed my TBO essay assignment, I only realised it's supposed to be individually done this morning, gah.

Went to catch the finale of the fireworks display yesterday with Mark. It was horrendously crowded at the Esplanade, but we managed to squeeze our way through and find a good spot. It was really awesome, and there was this cool part where the fireworks actually came out from under the water! I think I was too dazzled by the fireworks, that when we were walking back into the main building, or rather, shuffling back, since it was so crowded, I thought the tree up at the observation deck was a green firework. And I exclaimed pretty loudly to Mark, and since it was so packed, the people around us probably heard my asinine statement. I was so embarrassed after that man.

We went to Candy Empire at Millenia Walk, and everything there is KING-SIZED okay! Alright, maybe not everything, but a lot of the chocolates are king-sized. Wooohoo!! Imagine eating king-sized chocolates! The happiness is probably times two!! But I bet I'll become king-sized too. Muahaha. To clarify, before Emmalyn says I'm cheating myself again, I didn't buy a single thing there. (Mainly because it was already closing time, but whatever.)

Alright, I have lots of things to do.

P.S. Felicia, did you change your address?

I was trying to take a nap just now, and when I finally succeeded in dozing off, I first dreamt that someone (I don't know who) asked me to marry him, and I think I agreed, and then the scene shifted to me playing basketball, and that the ball hit my head, and then I woke up. What the heck?! I ended up doing crunches on my bed in frustration. And yesterday night, I had this SUPER weird dream, and it was really weird, no kidding. It's so weird, it's still startlingly (is there such a word?) vivid in my mind. If this keeps up, I'm certain I'll go crazy. You wouldn't believe the amount of ridiculous, unconnected and random thoughts that zoom back and forth in my mind all day long. It feels as if my brain is working extra hard, not to absorb useful information, but to think about the stupidest things in the world.

And this is very funny, but the Uncle Louis coffeeshop from opposite Dunman has somehow shifted/set up a new stall at the coffeeshop behind my house!! I was so amused when I saw it! Hahaha. Okay, while I had good memories there, I just can't forget the disgusting strand of hair I found in my rice, which really made me lose my appetite for their food from then on. Not to mention the creepy uncle, who's maybe the Uncle Louis (whom I also saw today, this world is too small) who wanted me to be his god-daughter. Siao.

Today I finally filed most of the loose pieces of worksheets stacked in my cupboard, and it feels really good to declutter. But it's not complete, because I didn't dare to touch my Literature notes. They're really all over the place, and not in any sort of order at all, except maybe The Order of Cannot-Be-Bothered-ness, and the task of tackling them feels insurmountable. And I realise that the supposed dark grey part of my school bag is actually a clean whitish-grey, not dark grey, after I washed it. I was quite amazed, because I was beginning to wonder what possessed me to buy a bag that was so dirty-looking.

I was looking through my old journal, that I kept way back in Sec 1, and I was wondering who that vile, weird girl writing those entries was. I tell you, I had a serious attitude problem back then, and I sounded really weird from my entries. And while flipping through my Sec 4 organizer, I found this page where I wrote a poem backwards. You know, one of those Dan Brown books, I think it was the Da Vinci code, had this inverted-writing thing, and I was so fascinated with it, that I wrote my name backwards on assignments, and the poem looked like something a satanic cult would appreciate. Except it's actually a love poem, and it was quite badly written. Hahaha. I had such weird inclinations!

This is for Emmalyn! I tried finding the video code for this song, but I couldn't.

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed, you said

You don't know me, you don't even care,
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains

Essential and appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you, they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said

You don't know me, you don't even care,
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains

She said I think I'll go to Boston
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly him out to Spain
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice

You don't know me, you don't even care,
Boston, where no one knows my name...

Boston by Augustana. The music video is really good, do check it out! It's different in a good way.

Alright, till the next time!

This a proper entry long overdue. I'll come up with a substantial entry even if it takes me all night/morning. (Okay, kidding.)

Okay, I seriously have nothing to say, except that there are "Pre-Prelims" next week (that's some fallacy or something, according to Mr. Seng). The real prelims are in less than a month's time!! And A Levels are in roughly 80 days, which is like, 2 months and 20 days left. Wah lao, to think I slacked off counting down for a bit over the past few days, and suddenly, the 90+ days I had has dwindled to a measly 80 days!

Such a conflict of emotions. I'm dreading Doomsday, but the aftermath is going to be excellent. I'll not touch anything related to schoolwork till I start University man. That is if I do get to University.

Life is passing me by too quickly. Today, I just wrote a crappy exposition on the appeal and value of fantasy stories and films, and I realised that I'm always rushing here and there, some way or another. I rush through my food sometimes, I rush from breaks to lessons, I rush from the gym to the shower rooms, I rush from the shower rooms to the library, I rush from dinner to study, I rush home from the bus-stop which I alight from... It's difficult for me to walk at a snail's pace nowadays. For me to stroll, I have to be in a really relaxed and idyllic mood. My whole life's about rushing and rushing man. So now I try and slow down a little. Remember to stop and "smell the flowers" my friends. :)

Alright, maybe I'll try to write more when I get more sleep. My sleeplessness is becoming problematic.

This goes out to Mark. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING. The capital letters are to emphasize how touched I am, and the gratitude that fills and overwhelms me. (Hahaha) Much love. :D

I took more than an hour to articulate this entry, and my thoughts are so convuluted. I have a million things to say but my words have left me. That's why I haven't been blogging. Nothing seems to be the same anymore.

I'm so sorry, that's all I can seem to say.

I can't even keep my own promise to myself.

A long-forgotten acquaintance of mine messaged me just now, out of the blue, and he said, "Hey how are you". Was rather surprised, and it got me recalling how the two of us met. Kind of funny, actually. We met over spilled macaroni alphabets at this entrepreneur bazaar organized at the secondary school level. See, my friends and I (the girls) set up this booth selling handicraft items. You know, those ice-cream sticks and wooden clothes pegs, and then we used those macaroni alphabets to create words and stuff. So anyway, I was sticking the alphabets onto the sticks, when I accidentally knocked over the tray of macaroni alphabets, and it spilled all over the floor. So I bent down to pick them up, and his stall was just next to ours, so he helped me to pick up the alphabets. Yep. And when the whole bazaar ended, I went home, without thinking I'd ever meet him again, although we did talk a bit over the course of the bazaar. One day, I got the biggest shock of my life when he texted me on my mobile. Seems pretty cool now huh? But he's not my type lah, so we kind of drifted apart, and we're mere acquaintances now. And turns out he was bored while waiting for his guard duty to start, so he decided to message this old acquaintance of his. Yup, so another snippet from my life. Quite a funny life I do have.

I had durian and sushi today. :D Oh, happy day! Muahaha.

I've been hearing this song on the airwaves, "I wish I was a punk-rocker with flowers in my hair". I love the song, the lyrics are awesome, and it's very minimalist, but it really speaks volumes. And it's like a blend of folk and country. Really nice. And I realise the radio is quite cool, I ought to listen to it more. But some of the songs are so annoying lah. I wonder who listens to such music man.

I was observing my grandpa today, and I realise he's very handsome. He was a sailor, and he's had such an interesting life, and he's a very interesting man. I'll never forget all that he's done for me. But at least I have something to remember him always.

Muahaha blacksauce sotong tomorrow!!!

Somehow, I get really tired and sleepy at some point in time, but when I reach home, the desire to just hit the bed leaves me. Because I have so many thoughts running through my head, and I need to get them out first. Not blogging/writing in my other diary has left me rather in a daze.

There is a place, where everything is beautifully blurred, and there are round street lamps with their soft orange glow, and everything is perfection itself. It is perfectly quiet, and you know you could walk on forever beneath the dim glow of those orange lights, with nothing to disturb you. Semi-conscious, but aware of every thought, every emotion running through you. In that semi-conscious state, the beauty is magnified, and it feels like a heavy, embracing weight pressing down on you, but it is not suffocating at all, rather, it is comforting. Away from all that noise. Just perfect silence on a perfect, beautifully blurred night.

If there is one type of people whom I absolutely cannot stand, it would be those who think they're better than others. Those who think they're different, and despise people who aren't aloof or apart from the crowd like they are. Those who revel in being different, in regarding people from their lofty pedestals that they have placed themselves. Those who say they don't like to conform to societal expectations and norms, and regard those who mix in large social circles or just "ordinary" people as beneath them, as weak in character and mind. Lately, these people seem to be getting on my nerves. Strange, I never thought that way of them before. You laugh at "conformists", you look down on them and think everything about you is better than them, from the way you think to the way you dress. Good grief. You can't see that everyone is different, no. It's just you, and the collective rest of us. I absolutely have no respect for you, thinking you're superior to others. Why, because you think differently, "dare" to behave differently? Laughing and criticising people behind their backs, saying what fools and idiots they are. I absolutely detest it. Your stupid tone of superiority and know-it-all attitude, when you don't know a single damn thing. You don't know what it's like to think of someone else other than yourself, you don't know the meaning of love, you behave like a nihilist, when you're nothing but a poseur. You're insulting the term "individuality".

This is the first and last time I'm mentioning the above. You aren't worth anymore of my blog space, if you can't understand that there are actually other people with feelings inhabiting this planet together with Your Royal Highness/Majesty.

I was reading some stuff on Persuasion today, and I was thinking about the eight years that Wentworth and Anne waited for each other, whether consciously or sub-consciously. What's it like to love someone so deeply, that the love always, always stays with you, even if you might not know it, and might think you've recovered from your broken heart over the passage of time? Their type of love is a steady, non-flamboyant one, but tempered with ardour and passion. I find it profundly beautiful. Reena finds it profoundly stupid, and therein lies the crux of our conflict about soulmates. Hahaha. Is true love shown through waiting? By how long a person is willing to wait for you? Wentworth and Anne went through much emotional and mental torture, waiting for each other, and in The Lake House, Alex waited two years for Sandra Bullock's character (forgot the name), someone whom he has mainly corresponded with only through letters, someone who has turned him away before and told him to move on, but he still waited. Does love have to be all-consuming in a very real sense, meaning the person is always on your mind, or is it more of a subtle thing, where your life goes on almost as normal, but there's just this song in your heart that gives you inexplicable joy? I think it's a combination of both. I don't believe that love is ever selfish. I believe it's almost entirely sacrificing, only it wouldn't really be sacrificing, because it's love. It'd be more of giving. And you'd expect nothing in return, except maybe his or her love.

Fascinating thing love is. I'd love to experience love. Just once is enough, because I know it'll last me a lifetime.

Somehow, it's become a luxury to actually sit down and blog slowly about anything I want to say.

The worst thing would be not knowing.

Time is flying past as quick as can be. I spend more time in school now than at home. My classmates make it all tolerable though. Love:D

Do you want to hear about my great adventure this morning? I didn't manage to break my resolution of not running to the bus-stop every morning, even though I fully intended to. This was because as soon as I raced out of the lift and started running, I tripped over the cobbled driveway, and fell to the ground. I was totally unguarded, and did not anticipate the fall at all. It's different from when I fall down during basketball trainings. This fall caught me by surprise, and as I was falling, everything seemed to be in slow motion, and I actually saw myself landing on the ground, if that makes any sense. I remember going in my head as I fell, "Oh my, here I go." I haven't actually fallen down in such a way since Primary school! Yeah, anyway I was on the ground, in a very suggestive pose cos my skirt flew up, and I heard the lift ping, and I quickly got up before the next person could come out of the lift. After that I hobbled off to the bus-stop, whimpering and muttering to myself. I'm such a freak/loser/moron. Or I'm all three. Thanks to Xinhui and Eileen for accompanying me to the sick-bay!

Oh, and yesterday, Eileen and I got screamed at by GWS. Okay lah, I quite accept it, since I blatantly ate in the library. I don't know what's with me these few days. Somehow, many bad things keep happening to me. Today, in the toilet, Emily saw a green worn on my blouse. It was bloody disgusting lah! I just stood there and screamed my head off while Emmalyn bravely flicked it, and it landed into the sick. BLAH! In case you're wondering (cos Zhiying asked me) I did bathe in the morning, and I do wash my uniform everyday, so it can't be that I was so dirty that worms are attracted to me. Oh, and yesterday while trying to get my mobile from my bag, I banged my ear against the railing, and I think it's forever deformed.

Listing down all of the things that have happened to me makes me really scared. Why is all this happening to me?! I mean, they're quite common in my life, but they occur on a spread-out basis most of the time, not all at one go. Very strange.

Anyway, 91 days to A Levels. Or is it 90? I forgot.