Hey you!
Do you remember me
I used to sit next to you at school
We indulged in all the extra-curricular activites
We weren't particularly cool

Monday cycling
Tuesday gymnastics
Dancing on a Friday night
I got Bridge Club on Wednesday
Archery on Thursday
Dancing on a Friday night

Hey you!
Could you ever fall for me
The way I fell for you
And do you dwell upon the thoughts that I occupy
Or do you give yourself things to do?

Monday rowing
Tuesday badminton
Dancing on a Friday night
I got ping pong on Wednesday
Needlework on Thursday
Dancing on a Friday night
With you, you.

Monday, Tuesday
Wednesday, Thursday
Dancing on a Friday night
Let the music smother me
Whole weekend recovery
Dancing on a Friday night

See the lady I adore
Dancing on the dancing floor
Dancing on a Friday night
God, the way she moves moves me
To write bad poetry
Dancing on a Friday night
With you.

This is my favourite song for today! (I listened so many times to 18th Floor Balcony, I got sick of it.) Friday Night by The Darkness. They've got another good song too. Forgot what it's called. Another good song is The Middle by Jimmy Eat World. All old songs, but still worth listening to over and over!

My resolution for the rest of the year is to stop having to run to the bus-stop every single morning of the school week. I haven't sat down to eat breakfast since I don't know when. Amazing. I have mastered the art of multi-tasking. I'll grab my breakfast and stuff some into my mouth, grab my shoes, run to the lift, press the button, wear my shoes and continue stuff my breakfast into my mouth, and I'm done by the time the lift reaches the first floor. And if I'm fast enough, I can tie my hair as well. Bet you can't beat that!

A Levels are in 93 days. I'm sorry if all I ever do is count down nothing. Nothing else much occupies my mind nowadays.

I love school man. I love it when we listen to opera music during History lectures. I love it when we have meditation during Literature, and we share our thoughts like in the numerous self-help groups in Fight Club. I love doing questions on irony and paradox for GP, over and over and over again. I love doing comprehension within less than an hour and then barely passing/failing it. I love staring at the Econs essay questions and not understanding what the heck they want me to write. Muahaha.

Sometimes, I honestly wish my life was like that of say, Lizzie McGuire. Typical American high-school. Even though my idea of it is probably a stereotyped one, and based on the numberous chick-lit genre of films I've watched, I'm still sure it'd be less stressful than this.

You know what they say about not having regrets? About looking forward and not thinking about "what-ifs"? But if you don't have the occasional regret, you'd never know the importance of cherishing something, of seizing the day. If you never ponder on what-ifs, you'd never know the pain of not having done something you should have. You'd never have dreams, and you'd never have the drive to work towards the dreams. I like thinking of what-ifs, not all the time, but sometimes. It offers a higher plane of achievement, something that reminds me there's so many beautiful things and opportunities I can have, if I can work hard enough for them.

I don't see why I'm blogging so much. It's not like I have much time left. Gah.

Hello, photos I took in the evening, except for the first one. That wasn't really taken in 2004. It was taken this year, as a matter of fact. I was just too lazy to set the date at that time. I realise that even though I've probably taken tons of such photos, not one is really any good. They don't really say anything. But I thought the evening sky today was really pretty. The sky was this electric blue, so vivid and bright.

I've been sleeping so much for the past two days. I woke up at ten this morning, mooned around the house for a bit, doing a bit of work, listening to music. Then I went to read some Persuasion guidebook on my bed around 2pm, and fell asleep, and when I next woke up, it was already 5pm. Gah. And each time I wake up, starting from yesterday, my body's always sore all over. My shoulders are still aching from Thursday's gym session. And I realise that I've gone mad. Yesterday, I dreamt I found the next two books in the Russian History series, and in my dream, I was elated. Currently, I'm reading the book on the period 1815-1881, and I need to find the books on the period after that. So somehow, the need entered my unconscious moment and it became distorted, such that I was actually elated to have found the books. Siao man. And the other day in the library, when Eileen and I found the Persuasion guidebooks, I was similarly very happy, only for real this time, and I even wanted to do something very evil. Hahaha. Okay, only my Lit mates know what it is I wanted to do. There's something very wrong when you begin to dream about History books. How come I never dream about stuff like eating durians (which I really want to) or winning awards, or even meeting the love of my life?

You know right, I was reading some Econs stuff, where it said that the government's educational and other policies were all designed to serve the needs of the economy. European History tutorials also alerted me to the fact that the reason why I'm studying is to serve the needs of Singapore next time. I was kind of bitter that I was merely an instrument or organ of the state, and that "Nation before Self" no longer sounded quite as heroic or patriotic, because it no longer is a choice, like dying for your country during a war is. But the bitterness lasted for all of 5 minutes, because I'm not like the peasants during the Russian Revolution, who had to cultivate crops for the sake of the state, and who suffered a lot, and didn't really gain anything. I mean, I'm relatively fortunate. But you know, I again read somewhere that the demise of Communism meant the demise of the hopes and dreams of many people. I realise that Communism, apart from liberalism, is one of the few ideologies that doesn't focus on the state, nor does it totally focus on the individual, as liberalism does, but it focuses on humans on a macro level. You know, it doesn't to teach you to live for the state, or to live entirely for yourself, but to live for yourself and for others. But before the government arrests me for being a pro-Communist, (scary how you can't say anything without adding a disclaimer anymore) I'm not one. I think Communism is unachievable, because you can't expect everyone to be totally compassionate and altruistic, but it's actually quite a worthy ideology. Idealistic, but worthy.

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

Somewhere Only We Know by Keane.

I have so many silly unspoken wishes and dreams.

Me: Is Melvin (my brother) taller than you?

Dad: Yeah. But it isn't the height that matters. It's what inside here. (taps at his temple, indicating brains)

Me (incredulous): Wah, you so smart hor! Your brains too much until your hair dropped out hor!

Dad: Hahaha, yah lor!

Hahaha. My dad's receeding hairline is always something I can dig at. And the best thing is, he doesn't mind. Muahaha. I realised that my dad hardly ever gets offended at my insults. He can really take a joke. And I realised that I take after him in that aspect, unless you say something really degrading to me.

If there's only one place I could choose to go to, there'd be no doubt it'd be London.

Watching The Lakehouse has re-ignited something in me I never realised I lost. I don't know what it is, but the film awoke a part of me that was dormant. It's a funny feeling.

Hello Emma-line (sounds quite glamorous hor), we'll study together till late from next week onwards okay! Whenever you can. :D

94 days to A Levels. I know I'll be stuck here all day long if I don't do something now. So bye!

Hello there. I went to watch The Lakehouse today with my mom. I liked the soundtrack and the scenery most. I suppose if you didn't watch Il Mare before you caught The Lakehouse (it's based on Il Mare) you'd like it quite a fair bit. I thought it was pretty good, but not as good as Il Mare. You could relate more to Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves I suppose, but Il Mare was much more tastefully done. But it was very touching. Keanu Reeves seems to have put on a bit of weight though. I love the house, the Chicago city... everything in the movie was really beautiful. Love, soulmates and architecture. It was a movie with the best of three worlds. I'd recommend it lah. I love the Paul McCartney song in there, as well as the one by The Clientele.

P.S. If you do decide to watch it, you gotta sort of not think too much about the whole time difference concept, because I think it's fundamentally flawed. (I spent a long time mulling over it after I watched Il Mare, and it gave me a headache. I haven't figured it out till today, and I think I watched it 2 years ago) It doesn't make sense, I don't think it's supposed to. So approach it from the angle of a normal love story, because that's what it essentially is. Love, and overcoming all odds to be with the one you love. In a way, I suppose the time concept is a symbol for the emotional barriers inside both of the characters.

There are so many beautiful places in the world waiting for me to go to.

Didn't really do much today. I can't figure out what the Econs essay question is talking about. Aaaah. The weekend has to be productive. I only have 95 days left!

Today was a bloody stupid day. The stupid GP passages made me think about my life right now. Lit got me rather pissed. The stupid flies kept attacking us while we were studying. I waited half an hour for the bus to come.

Whatever happened to that happy-go-lucky Melissa who was contented with almost anything that came her way, and who didn't like complaining about her situation in life?

I hate being so dissatisfied and unhappy. Maybe not unhappy. Aiyah, I don't know. I hate sounding all depressed and tragic, because I've really got nothing to be depressed about. I use that word far too easily.

I close my eyes and I smile
Knowing that everything is alright
To the core
Close that door
Is this happening?
My breathe is on your hair
I'm unaware
That you opened the blinds and let the city in
God, you held my hand
As we stand
Taking in everything.

And I knew it from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep

But Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony...
we're both flying away.

We talked about moms and dads
About families' pasts
Getting to know where we came from
Our hearts were on display
For all to see
I can't believe this is happening.
I raised my hand as if to show you I was yours
That I was so yours for the taking
I'm still so yours for the taking
That's when I felt the wind pick up
I grabbed the rail while choking up
These words to say and then you kissed me...
I knew from the start
So my arms are open wide
And your head is on my stomach
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep

But here we are
On this 18th floor balcony...

I knew from the start
So my arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
And we're trying so hard not to fall asleep

Here we are
On this 18th floor balcony...
we're both flying away.

And I'll try to sleep
to keep you in my dreams
so I can bring you home with me
and I'll try to sleep
and you keeping you in my...dreams

I knew it from the start
My arms are open wide
Your head is on my stomach
We're not going to sleep
But here we are
On this 18th floor balcony...we're both..
flying away

I wish I had the song, instead of a vague tune in my head. Would you believe me if I say I can imagine the exact balcony and the exact atmosphere the lyrics are talking about? When I listen to the song, I feel as if I'm part of the special moment.

I think I need some sleep.

I have never had a near-death experience, well not anything serious that I can recall. But today, returning home, I think I might've died.

My goodness. It was one step into the blinding light and deafening noise. I was in semi-shock but I stepped back in time, thankfully.

I was furious of course, but now, I wonder what would've happened if I didn't step back in time.

My 97 days to A Levels would have been reduced to 0 days. Scary shit.

I'd love to tell you, here's my heart, I'm giving it to you. Please accept it, and please cherish it. I only have one heart, and I'm giving it to you. That's how special you are to me.

Highlight of the day: The apple pie Eileen bought for me (thank you black horse! or are you the white one?) and Emmalyn's lovely card. :) Oh, and that weird game we played in the canteen... I remember laughing a lot. Haha.

Till now, I'm still thinking about that apple pie.

Well HELLO THERE! :D

Yesterday was awesome, awesome, awesome. Went for Cabaret in the afternoon (no, that wasn't awesome at all) and met up with the craziest girls in the whole universe in the evening! It was so exciting, Belinda hyperventilated. I've got tons of photos to show, but I'm too lazy to upload everything. So I'll just load some of them.


The cake that started everything.


We took a gazillion years to light the candles and sing the song, no thanks to Dari. Haha.


The Very-Belated-Birthday Girls!




Myself and Felicia.


This is what became of the cake.


:)


Dari and Bel.


Myself, Felicia and Chingy!


Classic Chingy.


Fel and Bel. (Hey Bel, I just realised you have dimples. Weird, I never noticed them before!)


Yay, my favourite photo.

Well, Felicia and I wanted to secretly buy a cake to surprise the other three (Dari, Bel and Chingy). But the three of them were so annoying lah. Kept following us everywhere. In the end, we bought an oreo cheesecake from Jack's Place, and went inside to celebrate. The cake wasn't that good, but the company must've made it the best-tasting cake ever. Love! And as guaranteed with any meet-ups with them, it was lots of laughter, mad laughter, screams and photo-taking. And I finally got to see Chingy go crazy. Hello Chingy, I miss that crazy loony in you. Please don't be quiet and well-behaved in front of us! I'll smack you the next time you're like that! :D

Well, Bel's leaving for Bangkok tomorrow, she'll return in August. So I don't know when we'll get to meet up again, but till then, memories will be good enough. I love you girls! It was only Tampines Mall, it was only simple, it was only slippers and shorts but it was one of the best moments I had!

And, some photos from Cabaret!


:)




The Eileen Smile. TM Eileen Seah, 05a5a.


This is damn funny.


Emmalyn, Ling Hui and me.


I feel like a man with manly, broad shoulders. :)

Yep, that's about it. Cabaret was alright lah. I love the singing, especially the opening number. Fei Xiang and Emma Yong have great voices.

Zhiying and I ran the infamous three rounds around school today. Haha, it actually felt refreshing! Well, it beats running on the treadmill, and today might've been the first day I enjoyed running the three rounds!

You know, lately I've been observing the girls in my school, and I realise most of them look really fresh and fair, and neat, with their tote/sling bags. And they always have these sweet smiles on their faces. Not all lah, but some. Those that I do notice. I'm wondering how they can look so clean and graceful, and light and airy. That's the feeling I get when I look at them. They look fluffy and light and fresh. Like daisies. Each day I try and tie my hair neatly, and wear my uniform properly, and wear my shoes neatly, if there's such a thing, but as soon as first period begins, I already feel dishevelled. I probably look half-crazed. And my stupid school bag, somehow it's always big and it really looks like a turtle shell. Even when I try to bring as little things as possible. Don't ask me what I put in my bag, I don't know. I only know I look like a stupid nerd. Mark practically begged me not to wear my school bag outside of school. Wah lao, I also don't want to look like a nerd leh. But there's so much things to bring, and it's so convenient to throw my water bottle and gym stuff in. I don't need to carry anything in my hands. Anyhow, I'm sure there's a secret to looking so neat. I shall snoop around and find out!

A LEVELS ARE COMING!!! MUAHAHAHA.

I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate Me by Blue October. Have I featured the lyrics here before? Anyway, I was listening to the song today, and Zhiying asked me to be a bit more cynical, instead of the "hopeless romantic" that I am. So here, these are cynical lyrics that cynical me likes. "LOVE STINKS, YEAH YEAH". But I wonder who the girl in the lyrics is. I've been thinking about it (after I studied, of course) and I decided that the guy is actually a very disturbed guy who was leading a meaningless life filled with self-hate and bitterness. He hates life, and he suffers from deep psychological and emotional scarring. But one day, he meets this really special girl, who is like an angel to him, and she helped him embark on the journey of salvation and rediscovery. She taught him to love himself, and she probably loved him for the time she was with him. But eventually, she stopped loving him, and everything she's painstakingly built up for him, all the things she's helped him with comes crashing down, and he regresses to a state worst than what he was in, before he met her. And he cannot ever find that saving grace and salvation again. She was his salvation, his only hope. And when she left, she robbed him of everything inside of him that was good and positive. So he goes and kill himself.

P.S. Welcome back to school, Ellis! :D

I am feeling like someone wrung my neck mercilessly, took a hammer and pounded my head, and there are lead weights hanging from my eyes. Simply put, I'm feeling like shit. Ugh................. it can't be but I think I'm falling sick. I didn't do anything for the whole of today. I slept in the afternoon and woke up with a bloody headache. It's not getting any better, and I only want to sleep, but if I sleep now, I won't be able to sleep tonight. My brain feels all woozy. I can't do anything like that!!

I better get well by tomorrow. It's Cabaret, and how can I watch Fei Xiang while feeling like shit?????????????

And I haven't completed the Persuasion essay, I've only written an intro. Fat lot of good that'd do.

Wah lao. I want to cry.

Oh, why you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through

'Cos I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you

So if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now
Hey, what you got to hide?
I get angry too
Well I'm a lot like you

When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
'Cos even if you're wrong

I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

I'll Stand by You by The Pretenders. I've only got the Girls Aloud version. Who are Girls Aloud anyway? There were so many girlbands last time, hahaha. I remember I scorned Spice Girls when everyone else was listening to them, and listened to Limp Bizkit and The Offspring instead. I was such a weirdo. You know, I even printed out the lyrics to Limp Bizkit's raps and started learning the raps. Hahaha. Spice Girls anytime for me now. I love Wannabe. Oh, but I remember liking Bardot a lot. Especially Sophie Monk, she looked so much like a Barbie doll.

I've got so much stuff to do, but hey! Roughly 3 more months, and it'll soon be the A Levels. I gotta make it good man. Life's passing by so quick. It honestly seems like yesterday we were groaning about trainings, and envying our seniors for being able to step down. Then when we asked them, "So how does stepping down feel?" And they said, "You'll know what it's like next year, you can't describe it." I think I know what they mean. And you look at all the J1s, still behaving like primary school kids (just the other day, some boys were screaming at each other in the toilet), and you think, that was just how I was like. (But I didn't scream at anyone in the toilet)

Feeling fine, it's sublime,
When that smile of yours creeps into my mind

:)

Good morning. As usual, I couldn't sleep past dawn. Wanted to do Persuasion but I can't seem to get my brain working.

18th Floor Balcony by Blue October is my favourite song of the moment. And I can't remember the tune, neither can I seem to find the song, but I remember being very moved by it. Check it out if you can! I like the frontman's voice.

As promised, the exposition on soulmates. Not in a very romantic mood this morning, but I shall try.

Disclaimer: Do remember that this is the work of a girl who enjoys reading books like "Where Rainbows End", and enjoys watching sappy Korean dramas/movies, and spends her free time writing short passages on love/daydreaming about love. Which means to say it might possibly be unrealistic and ridiculous for some (like Ree*cough*na), but which the girl sincerely believes in.

Alright. Now that clears things up.

Let me explain how the talk on soulmates began. It happened in the coffeeshop near school, over dinner. (By the way, was having roast pork rice, absolutely delicious) Anyway, Reena was saying something about Xinhui believing in the one true love, and I told Reena I agreed with Xinhui. Our conversation went something like that.

Me: Yeah, I believe in that also!

Reena: Huh??

Me: I believe in soulmates, in meeting that one person. (I'm romanticising everything I said, because I think I was speaking in a barbaric way)

Reena: Wah lao. Melissa, you so stupid ah?! I thought you were smart. You don't look like the type to believe in this rubbish!

Thereafter I proceeded to severely berate her for calling me and my beliefs stupid. Okay, but this is Reena's point of view. She says that if soulmates exist, then in the Singaporean context, our soulmates are only confined to the geographical boundaries of Singapore. Because of all the same race/nationality marriages, that's what she meant. And that alone rendered the notion of "soulmates" ridiculous, because if soulmates did exist, why did people only marry people of the same nationality/race. Something to that effect? And she did bring up a salient point. She said that if everyone had a soulmate, then why did divorces occur? I told her, "That's 'cos the person they married isn't their soulmate." And Reena said, "Oh, so when the person runs off with another man/woman, leaving the children behind, it's because the person has found her soulmate!"

Well, firstly I'd like to say that while I believe there are soulmates, I similarly believe that very few people actually get to meet their soulmates. So in this life, you settle for second or third or fourth best. But you think that's the best, simply because you've never ever met the best. So how do you know when you've met the best, your soulmate?

Tough huh, there aren't any "Soulmate Tests" or confirmations you can undertake. But in my very idealistic and romantic opinion, that's the beauty of it. When you meet your soulmate, you'll just know, be it consciously or sub-consciously, that this person is the one person you've been waiting for, the one person you'll always be waiting for. And you'd go through hell and fire for your soulmate, because in this life, there's only one of him for one of you. I believe when you meet your soulmate, there'll be a higher level of connection between the two of you. Something close to telepathy, something where there is that special silence, where words cease to be the only form of communication. Please remember that I don't think soulmates happen to everyone.

Yati said that there can't possibly be soulmates, because there'll always be people better than your soulmate. But a soulmate isn't about the most good-looking, the most altruistic, the most compassionate, the sweetest, the most romantic... it isn't about society's standard of "best" or the "ideal" husband/wife, not about your own expectations and standards of a partner, but a soulmate is one who is best for you, the only one who can ever make your heart break and then be the same person to mend it back again. When you find your soulmate, all your prior expectations will be swept away, because those are mere expectations, something you create based on television and books (e.g. tall, dark, handsome with hot bodies). You find love in the most unexpected people. There could be a million people out there who love you more ardently, who can give you a better life, but because you've met him... because you know that such a person exists, he's the best you know you'll ever want.

I know it sounds really stupid, but that's why it's called soulmate. In this life, there's only going to be that one person whose soul connects with yours. And you speak to one another with your hearts.

Okay lah, I know I'm a freak, but hey, it's nice to be able to have this romantic streak. I can daydream about it, and it makes my life a little more exciting. I'm only ever going to marry my soulmate, so even if I don't meet him, I will never settle for second best. But I do want a child though. A little girl, so it's a bit tough to find a way to have my own child without marrying. I could adopt, but it wouldn't be the same as having a baby I gave birth to.

That's it man. Now I'm talking about babies. 6 hours of sleep don't do me any good, my mind starts working in weird ways.

It's midnight, and I was supposed to have completed half my Persuasion essay, but all I've done is type the question out.

Reena and Zhiying refuse to believe that soulmates exist. Reena rebutted all of my arguments today, and I ended up screaming at her fervently, that soulmates did exist. And now somehow, she's convinced my soulmate is from Africa. I promised to write an exposition on soulmates, in order to convince them that soulmates do exist. Even Yati mocked me, saying that there will always be better people than the one you're with.

Exposition on soulmates it shall be, but not now. I've gotta go and do some of my Persuasion essay now.

P.S. Studied in school till 9.30pm today, was real fun. Reminded me of the days in Dunman during night study. Reena is absolutely evil, she kept scaring me, knowing full well I'm just a bit afraid of ghosts. Hur hur hur.

I'm grateful for the wonderful people in my JC life. Emmalyn, Zhiying, Ellis, Reena, Jamie, Eileen, Santiao, Xinhui, Karen, Dah, Linghui... basically 05a5a lah. And my basketball mates, of course. And Mark lah, sorry for being so terse last night, and thank you for your chewing gum even though it was of inferior quality. You're my best guy friend in the whole world, we even have our periods at the same time.

Okay, Captain Wentworth is beckoning.

Jonathan Leong is a completely sexy human being. He can do the Chippendale dance (whatever that is) and I'd still think he's the best dancer in the world. I don't know why people think he's ugly, because I think he is very, very handsome. And sexy. And yummy. And cute. And endearing. And I could go on forever, so let's just leave it at that, yeah? Teehee.

My two favourites for SG Idol (which I really enjoy watching for my few favourites) would be Jonathan, of course and Rahimah! I think she's got the best voice in the whole competition. And I'm biased towards Jonathan because I'm a very aesthetic sort of girl, so I'd naturally root for a sexy specimen of the male species (who are aliens, I truly believe). And he has talent too, I don't blindly follow looks only okay!

If it doesn't blink by the end of tonight, I should think I'll accept it, once and for all.

"You are not altered, but I am. You have nothing to regret, but I do." -Alexander I

Poignantly poetic, is it not? No, Alexander did not write that to his mistress or his wife, but to Metternich instead. Who is some political advisor in Russia, I think. I think it's quite a beautiful line, something you'd expect in Austen's novels, not in a History text.

Do check this song out. The Places You have Come to Fear the Most by Dashboard Confessional. As always, Chris Carrabba's voice is lovely, but what I like most about the song is the lyrics.

"Twice we've stood beside each other at the altar, Rosie. Twice. And twice we got it wrong. I needed you to be there for my wedding day but I was too stupid to see that I needed you to be the reason for my wedding day." - Alex, from "Where Rainbows End" by Cecilia Ahern.

May I correct myself, even if it doesn't blink, which it has, I'll still accept it. I've been faltering and faltering, but I think it's time. Truly the time. It'll be tougher because I don't have anyone to share this with, but I chose that path and I'm not going to whinge about it. No matter how many times I may break down on the way, I will still try to accept it.

I'll be alright, rest assured. Because I wouldn't have it any other way.

Girlfriends' therapy very much needed. To my lovely four, how does a day at my house sound? Unless we can squeeze time out to plan an outing to Sentosa, which isn't quite practical at this point? Let me know, boyfriends not allowed!

Felicia Poh, you don't know how much you made my day.

I am so happy for you!!! :D

I can't describe what I feel, but reading your entries about him and seeing how happy you are, I don't think I could feel anything but the similar happiness you feel.


Okay I'm feeling real PMS-y right now, on a not-so-bright note. Two sleepless nights so far, I really hope it doesn't last long.

You know, sometimes I love you so much, I just want to hug you, but sometimes you make me mad as hell, not to mention sad as hell.

Today, I suddenly missed those mornings back in Dunman when Chingy and I would meet around 6:20am on bus 28, and stop at 201E around 6:30am, then have breakfast at McDonald's. Man, you don't know how much I miss the girls. Every fibre of my being is screaming for them.

I really feel like dying. My body doesn't feel right. Argh.

I got BDD for Midyears. Good grief, but whatever lah.

I can't always be happy but I try to be. I really need to find someone that I can pour everything out to. Someone who won't judge me, who'll willingly lend my their shoulder if I should need it, will not mind my red, swollen features should I cry, someone who'll always be there.

Such is life.

And so, Sally can wait
She knows it's too late as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away
But don't look back in anger
I heard you say

Declare myself a fan of Oasis!

It was only this year that I discovered that the school library has so many good books waiting for me to discover them. And it comes at a time that is so unappropriate! The 'A' levels are looming over the horizon man. I want to read so many of the books there. Argh.

I need someone to wind the key in my clockwork everyday. Would you be my winder? :)

It's okay, you, maybe I see where you're coming from. I won't deny I feel rather sad it should be this way, but like I said, it's okay. I'm slowly learning to live with it, slowly convincing myself it's for the best. I wish things wouldn't be this way. A convuluted mess. I spend time pointlessly thinking about it, which is needless. I've pulled through before. I can pull through again. The situation's vastly different yet similar.

One night, I wrote,

I'm sorry for feeling this way, but I feel as if this is goodbye. Maybe it is. I'll miss you terribly.

Goodbye doesn't have to be immediate and final. I would like it to be, but I know this goodbye is going to be a drawn-out one, it's going to be tough. There are times like this when I wish for Anne's self-restraint.

Nobody told me it'd feel so good
Nobody said you'd be so beautiful
Nobody warned me about your smile
You're the light
You're the light
When I close my eyes
I'm colourblind

Old song, but Santiao sent it to me today!!! ZYING IT ISN'T GAY!! IT'S HEART-MELTING!
Heeheehee.

It's much easier to focus more on the good points in people.

Anyway, was not supposed to communicate with my sister today, since she made me so angry yesterday, when she was writing CDs (can be Captain Jack's good friend, she's as worthy a pirate as he is) on her laptop till like 11.30pm lah. Couldn't sleep with the light on and her clicking away obnoxiously at her mouse. The sound was so resounding in the room, 'cos the windows were all shut. I got so annoyed I stomped to my brother's room to sleep, thinking she'd come after me to tell me I could go back to the air-conditioned comfort of our room, because she'd bringing her CD-writing outside, but noooo! She totally ignored me. So angry lah. My reverse-psychology didn't work. Okay, but I couldn't resist talking to her today. Me and my stupid mouth.

I meant to change my blogskin, but somehow it got too complicated to edit everything.

Anyway, I finally completed Persuasion, for the second time around. And although the perfection with which I once attributed to Anne's character has somewhat diminished with the second reading, it is still a very romantic book. I'm going to extract my favourite parts of the book. They're mostly from the ending.

"We certainly do not forget you, so soon as you forget us. It is, perhaps, our fate rather than our merit. We cannot help ourselves." -Anne

"I should deserve utter contempt if I dared to suppose that true attachment and constancy were known only by woman. No, I believe you capable of every thing great and good in your married lives. I believe you equal to every important exertion, and to every domestic forbearance, so long as - if I may be allowed the expression, so long as you have an object. I mean, while the woman you love lives, and lives for you. All the privilege I claim for my own sex (it is not a very enviable one, you need not covet it) is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone." -Anne

And who could ever forget, the infamous letter which Wentworth writes to Anne: (Not the complete letter, I extracted the parts I liked.)

"I can listen no longer in silence. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell my not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own, than when you almost broke it eight and a half years ago. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant."

"I could never doubt that you would be loved and sought by others, but I knew to a certainty that you had refused one man at least, of better pretensions than myself: and I could not help often saying, Was this for me?" -Wentworth

"To me, she was in the place of a parent. I am not saying that she did not err in her advice. It was, perhaps, one of those cases in which advice is good or bad only as the event decides; and for myself, I certainly never should, in circumstances of tolerable similarity, give such advice." -Anne

Been listening to classics all morning, as well as Jet, Oasis and Jimmy Eat World. Yippeeyaya.

Would you like to hear about an embarrassing thing that happened to me yesterday? I still can't get over it.

Was returning home from Baybeats, the bus home was packed with people. I was standing, and was messaging my dad. The bus was stationary at that point, so I made a move to slip my mobile back into my purse, and just as I reached out for the pole, the bus lurched and started moving. And following Newton's something something Law, I felt myself irresistibly thrown backwards by the forward motion of the bus. I felt like I was in some action movie, where everything was in slow-mo, with my hand reaching out but unable to grab onto the pole, and moving backwards against my will. However, everything was happening in real time, and I added my own sound effects: I started shrieking for all to hear. I'd like to add that everyone just stared at me like I was a scientific experiment gone wrong, in morbid fascination. If it wasn't for a lady who grabbed hold of me, and managed to stabilize me, I'd probably have died or something. If not of injuries, then of embarrassment. I am eternally grateful to her. But instead of saying thank you, I kept apologizing to her while laughing.

It's okay though, I'm resigned to it. I can probably theorize my plight and compile it into a law. Then I shall be famous like Newton. Imagine: Melissa's Law of the Inability to Not Embarrass Herself in the Presence of Other Homo Sapiens.

Ha ha ha. Now I'm amusing myself.

Wah lao, Felicia's college life is so exciting. Hers is the waves of the ocean, rushing up the shore and ebbing away, then rushing up again. Mine is like the stagnant water in the X-DENGUE ads.

I'm laying off the jumping jacks for awhile. My calves are killing me after yesterday's jumping jacks. And I've got blisters on my feet. I wonder if I'm supposed to wear socks while doing them? That's be so dumb, imagine wearing socks in your house, when the weather isn't even cold. Whatever it is, I'm sticking to running.

Hey! Stay young and invincible
'Cos we know just what we are
And come what may we're unstoppable
Cos we know just what we are

Oh yeah baby. We're unstoppable.

I realise that my weekends can be awfully boring. I usually only go out with my family on Sundays, 'cos my mom has her yoga class on Saturdays. And I don't even sleep in late. Today's the latest I've woken up in a long time- 9am. And it's not even late by any normal standards. So I spent my day mooning around, watching telly, doing Econs, getting bored, reading Persuasion, getting bored, doing more Econs and then getting even more bored. The only thing I had to look forward to all day is going out later in the night.

I gotta do jumping jacks in awhile, since I'm too lazy to haul my fat ass down to the gym. I ate so much yesterday. I'm positive I can win any food-eating competition when the ravenous mood strikes me. It's not often, maybe once or twice a month, and I'm beginning to realise it's part of PMS. Next week, I'm not going to be lazy, and I'm going to the gym everyday.

I watched Fight Club yesterday, and even though Mark thinks it's awesome, I don't really like it. Okay, there was too much blood for one thing, and it was really disgusting. That aside, I didn't feel anything after watching the show. Didn't affect me much. Brad Pitt's body was... a study of perfection. Muahaha. I still like him in Meet Joe Black the best, although I never finished watching it.

I should pick up a hobby, like gardening. Something to do for Saturdays. I know, you'd say, "You should be studying" but there's only so much you can study on a Saturday, especially when no one else around you is studying. Saturdays should be for strolling in parks filled with lush, verdant greenery, riding in a curricle or twirling a parasol. Saturdays should be for traipsing in summer woods filled with bright sunshine and the invigorating smell of nature and life. Saturdays should be for afternoon tea in a quaint bistro, or for picnics by the beach.

But those Saturdays are only possible when I grow up and travel to places with woods and parks where you can ride on horses. Oh well.

Sorry for the mind-numbingly boring entry.

There's not a star in heaven that we can't reach.

Have gotten out of the funk I was in for the past two days. I don't want to dwell on the negative aspects of life anymore. I don't want to complain about my life now, about how mundane and stressful school is, because at least I'm living, at least I understand that to be able to study, and having it to be my biggest worry is a blessing. I want to focus on the beautiful parts of life, the simple joys. And no one's going to take that away from me.

I penned everything inside of me onto the pages of my written diary today. And it feels good. I'm going to detach myself from all the hurtful things you do again and again to me. Perhaps it's subconsciously, who knows? I only know that a person like you can never gain my respect, because you have never respected anyone else. But it's okay, because it's your life. You can give me all the bullshit you want, but it doesn't mean I need to accept it and suffer by it.

Things are only going to get better from here. Let's trudge on, 05A5A (remember Paul Bettany, haha) and to Felicia, Darianne, Chingy, Bel and Karen chingoo. :)

Tragedy: They who never listen but only talk.

Tragedy: They who think their opinions and views are the most correct.

Tragedy: They, who will never know what it's like to walk in someone else's shoe.

Tragedy: They who accuse others of what they themselves are the most guilty of.

Tragedy: They who pretend they don't know the implications when they full well know.

Tragedy: They who will never change.

It's a tragedy. It's a tragedy.

Where are we now, she asked. What can I do, to make everything alright again, he whispered.

This night, neither of us speaks.

They twirled endlessly to their own tune, their own special tune. No words were needed, no real rhythm was required. This was a dance of mutual, silent understanding. It was an affirmation of what the both of them knew; the same, special music would always play in their hearts. The mirror reflected their entwined bodies, following every fluid motion, every pirouette, every leap, every tear that fell from their faces and splashed silently onto the wooden floor. The setting sun cast a surreal, golden-orange glow through the tall bay windows, spilling the brilliant sunlight across the wood, in a moment of sheer beauty both of them would remember forever. In this hall, no one could separate them. This was their own hidden, private world, and in this world, for just a brief moment, time stood still for them and permitted their union.

For just this brief interlude, they would dance, as long as the music played.


Again and again, the blunt knife plunges into the muffin, each time creating a small hole in the soft spongey cake. Relentlessly, the knife stabbed into the center of the muffin, and each time, it did just a bit of damage, but at the end of it all, the muffin was no longer a muffin. All it was, was a mess of oily flour and water, yellow as a jaundiced patient. It lay on the table, completely disintegrated, no longer the luscious, delectable cake it was. All it was, was a mess. That was all it was.

Incomprehensible.

There are so many things I'd like to say
So many things I'd give everything to change
I'd tell you just how I feel
In a word or two, or till the moon turns blue.

But I know, as soon as the words escape
There's no turning back
And then I'd give all I had
To turn back time, and keep them dead inside of me.

The music swirled around her, spinning, spinning. It was a kaleidoscopic blur of memories, an angel's voice, tears and a heart forever broken.

Letting go may be the hardest thing ever.

I have been adopting strange eating habits of late. I'm eating my third bowl (it's a small bowl) of cereal at 2:30pm in the afternoon. So for today, I had a pao, a banana and a slice of honeydew in school. Sounds rather like a family huh? "This is Mr. Pao, Miss Banana and Mrs. Honeydew. They reside in Melissa's stomach." Okay, sorry. My brain feels a bit odd today.

Reading Murakami suddenly gave me this realisation that it is all too easy to fall into depression. All too easy to fall into one mundane task after another, walk the same path every day with no variation, entering into a life of monotone. And the worst thing is, you yourself wouldn't realise your life has become a meaningless parade. You'd just go on living, doing the things you always do, and never realise that you've become a robot, a slave to work, a slave to society, a slave to yourself.

Sometimes I wonder, who are the people who came up with languages, the idea of schools, movies, art, literature, music? And I cannot help but admire and respect them. Where did they get their ideas to write books and plays from, the pioneers of literature? When people write now, they all tend to base their writings and thoughts on previous works they've read, either consciously or subconsciously. Where then, did the very first people who picked up a pen to write, get their ideas from?










Today, it suddenly struck me as I looked at you, why I was being so foolish.
As quickly as it came... it passed on just as fleetingly.



I'm finally tired, I finally feel like giving up everything I have.

No, I don't mean to say I want to kill myself.

Singapore Idol was generally boring, but one performance by a certain Jonathan Leong was enough to brighten my entire night. He is utterly sexy, that's the only word to describe him. Not a bad voice too, he sings pretty confidently. Wooohooo!!! I dropped my apple when I saw him, hahaha.

Feels like home to me.

Got back more of my results today. Nothing too shocking so far, all within expectations. I definitely need to work harder though.

I have nothing else to say. And to think I wanted to blog, now I forgot what I wanted to say.

Something in your eyes
Makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself
In your arms

There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
The rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've felt so low
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where
I come from

Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks down a long dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see through the dark there's light

If you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
If you knew how happy you are making me
I've never thought I'd love anyone so much

The first time I heard this song was two or three years back, in "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days."

My sister said this to me last Saturday- "There's art in words too" and I couldn't have put it in a better way. People have their Van Goghs and Picassos, their Michaelangelos and Da Vincis, but I have my song lyrics, poems and storybooks. These are art to me.

I love taking all the words in the world and spinning them into a complete story or poem. Isn't it amazing how one word alone doesn't mean a thing, but when you join it up with other words, you can form the most beautiful line in the world, one bursting with hidden meanings and emotions?

My words are all I have, and one day, I'll write you something beautiful, for a beautiful person like you.

How could you desert me in my hour of need? I thought you were always there, and I thought you'd always be there. I never thought that you'd be missing when I searched for you. I never meant to abandon you. I looked for you before, briefly, yes, but nevertheless, I did search for you. You didn't materialise then, and you didn't materialise now either. You're never going to materialise, are you? Just when I needed you, you chose to disappear from my life. In your place, is an empty, gaping hole. Only you can fill that hole. Please return to me, Jane Austen. Without you, I cannot do my Lit essay assignment, and without you, I will have to fail my Literature during A Levels.

Gotcha there, didn't I? I can't find my Persuasion book, and I've dug into the deepest, darkest corners of my overflowing cupboard, ransacked the numerous shelves in my house that are filled with odd books (Book of Massage, a book on squash, books on politics and raising your kids, and a whole lot of weird books. My parents are indeed eccentric), searched the cupboard with storybooks, and found nothing. I can't even find my old copy of Persuasion. How could Austen have disappeared?

Reasons why I hate running in the gym:

1. You run for 45 minutes and you're still stuck on the same spot. It would've been funny if it wasn't tragic.
2. There is absolutely nothing to see in the gym, except the roads, and cars driving in and out.
3. Stupid males banging the weights down, making you jump periodically while running. Just as you're about to achieve a perfect balance between mind and body, BAM! The weights come crashing down, in a testosterone-induced fit of what they assume to be manliness and strength. You wouldn't believe the amount of swear words that race through my mind when that happens. Why can't they gently set the weights down? Once or twice, it's okay, it's an accident, but not all the time right! I know you can lift the bloody weight, get over it! And I'm not being sexist, it is always the males, from prolonged observation.
4. The air-conditioning.

Okay, good to get that all of me. Especially #3, it really irks me. But the gym is the only place where I can force myself to continue running for 45 minutes straight at a constant speed, without stopping. I can't do that at the tracks. And I daren't go to the reservoir anymore, partly 'cos a girl hanged herself from a tree there recently, and partly cos the sun would just kill me. On a brighter note, I love the feeling of sweat gushing down my neck, oozing out of my pores and drenching my entire body. I love the feeling of it flowing down the back of my neck and down the middle of my back, I love how it drips down my face in rivulets. Okay, shall stop at there, I imagine I must sound weird.

I got back one component of Lit today, and I just passed it, 13/25. The only time I did below my expectations was back in Sec 3, and I barely passed back then too. 52/100- I still remember. And both times, it was due to misinterpretation. I felt depressed for all of 5 minutes today, and I'm beginning to worry that something like that might happen at A Levels. And that would be the worst thing, because it wasn't because I didn't study, but because I misinterpreted the question. What if it occurs
during the A Levels? I'd be devastated, and my depression will last for more than 5 minutes, I assure you. Econs somewhat cheered me up, I got 20/30 for MCQ. Not that it's good, Miss Jeeva said we were supposed to get 25 and above, cos it's an easy paper. Hurhur. Okay, but as long as I learn from my mistakes, doesn't matter. At least not at this stage.

103 days to A Levels. Roughly 3 months to go. It's gonna be a journey of epic proportions, filled with overwhelming trials and tribulations, but armed with Teddy Geiger, Iris and Lifehouse, and my friends of course, I shall trudge on tirelessly and conquer the big, bad one-eyed monster called "A Levels".

Sorry for the bullshit, was watching Odyssey or Odyssius, or whatever the show's called during Lit class today. Interesting indeed. This thing called "self-control", it interests me a lot. There was this part which remains in my mind.

Wife of Odyssieus: You have a heart made of stone.

Mother of Odyssieus: Yes, if it bleeds (and something, can't remember) everyday.

Okay I didn't do justice to that sentence, I think I just bungled it. But it's something alone those lines lah, it was rather moving.

ANYWAY!!! I have a cordless phone! Like finally!! My primitive parents finally bought a cordless phone!! Now I can lie on my bed and yak on the cordless phone all day, painting my nails and gossiping with my sistaz. (That's what they always do in the movies, I've always wanted to try it) A few problems though: I hate painting my nails 'cos I demand perfection from the nail polish; each coat has to be perfectly smooth, which more often that not my unsteady hands are incapable of achieving, so when the polish gets warped, it really annoys me, so I end up not painting my nails at all. Secondly, nobody ever calls me. The last time I talked to anyone on the phone was Zhiying, calling to ask me what was tested for European History. The conversation lasted for a minute. And that was about 2 to 3 weeks back. The fact that I can even remember the convo speaks volumes. So maybe the cordless phone isn't going to revolutionise my life much. But whatever, please do still call me on my new cordless phone!!! :D

Alright. I'm off for now. Good day!

The curiosity enlarges, like a rapidly-spreading miasma. Now, I would like to peek into her head too. Because I see a certain behaviour in her actions, her laughter and her voice, which is familiar, all too reminiscient. Of myself. And I wonder, could it be?

Could it be?

I should think so, it could very, very possibly be.

For the first time in roughly 2 years, I'm actually reading avidly again. It's like the end of the mid-years opened up this whole new craving for books, this ravenous hunger to read as much as I can. Talking to Mark today about books made me realise I haven't been reading, and can't read, like I used to when I was young. One of the blessings of childhood is the minimal distractions, and I don't mean physical distractions. I mean the distractions in your head. In a way, when you were young, you don't think much when you read, you just absorb the story like a dry sponge. Now, when reading, you find yourself questioning a lot of things, being critical, or pondering over a million other things which preoccupy you, which have absolutely nothing to do with the book. Now, I feel like I have a deadline, like I must read as much as possible before the end arrives. Which I assume to be the A levels. In about two months, it'll be our prelims. And in 3 months plus, it will be the A levels. I'm getting quite scared, because I have no sense of worry or urgency. I know midyears just ended, but it's hardly an excuse to completely put aside my work. I'm sure getting back my results tomorrow will set that straight though.

Watched my very first M18 movie today, muahaha. And technically, I'm not even eighteen yet. "Thank You for Smoking"- awesome movie. No special effects whatsoever, this is a movie which is a smash because of pure wit and radical perspectives. I don't really think it warrants an M18 rating, but it was probably cos of the sex scenes. Not that you could see anything, but it was rather vigorous. Haha. I really like the film, especially how it didn't become all preachy and morally upright. Instead, it focused on Nick Naylor's extremely fascinating personality. Do catch it if you can, at the new Cathay cineplex if you can! It's a lovely place.

I should think I'm gonna sleep soon, World Cup finals made me suffer with barely five hours of sleep, and so many weird things happened.

Anyway, I saved the best for last.

Happy birthday, Dari sweetie!!! LOTS OF LOVE! To Chingy, Bel and Dari, I know we haven't celebrated your birthdays properly, but soon, alright! Expect the unexpected :D

I had a great time yesterday, muahaha. Went shopping with Zhen, Huiwen and Angie. Some things which made the outing memorable: Huiwen's $109.90 blood-red stilettos, her jia lor mee, Yizhen's mom who cracked us all up, Angie's hot hotpants, and 3 for $5 earrings! Met my familt at Suntec for dinner after that, and HAAGEN DAZS FONDUE IS ABSOLUTELY MAGNIFICENT. It's like indulging in sin itself. Wahoo! Met Jen at the Esplanade, so good to see him again! I miss SG 16!

And today, I watched Johnny Depp on television, in the Curse of the Black Pearl. Man, I love how he's so... bendy. Okay, I don't know the word to describe his behaviour, but he's like swaying here and there, as if his whole body's filled with some sort of lethargy, oh, but it's all very deceptive. I love how his facial expressions are so versatile and intense; they can switch from joking and laughing to complete anger (not really the right word, again) and utter seriousness in a matter of a minisecond. I wish the storyline would focus a little bit more on him and less on Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley's love story, it's a bit boring and cliched. Ah well, I should think I'll definitely be catching Dead Man's Chest. Two magnificent films (I'm assuming the second one will be good, judging from the little snippets here and there), all from a ride in Disneyland! Amazing.

I've been pondering a lot over this, not that's it's particularly thought-provoking or important, but I was just curious. What if he liked her all along, but he didn't know that of course. Maybe they just thought they were good friends. Then on that fateful day, or rather, evening, when she got to know his friend, and they started going out, I wonder how he felt? Although he seemed as if he expected them to go out, I wonder if that's really true? What if he realizes he likes her? Now it's a bit too late, they're already together. What if he has a million things inside of him, left unsaid, and unable to be said? Wouldn't the regret eat at him every single day?

I'm just wondering, really curious. If only I could take a peek into his mind.

You know, Jevan just told me something which didn't occur to me before. It so happens Nanyang has a marking day tomorrow, and tomorrow at 1:50am happens to be the World Cup finals. Is it a coincidence or what? Hahaha.

I read two short stories by Murakami today that were absolutely enthralling. His stories are all indeed odd. They keep you engrossed completely for the time you are reading it, but after you finish the story, you can't seem to find anything you've learnt from it, or any glaring life lessons. It seems as if there isn't a focus or point in his story, yet the story stays with you in your mind, vivid and forceful. He has a way with words that many authors would kill for, I reckon. With a few simple choice words, he can paint an absolutely clear picture in your mind, of the scene he is trying to portray. He's a genius like that, and I'm going to read more of his books before he actually goes down under my list of favourite authors. I should think reading his books comes with practice; the more you read, the better you understand his style.

I look at all these people and I don't understand how they can operate so quickly. It's beyond me. Am I stuck in some old-fashioned age, and if so, why? I have very definite and firm beliefs in certain things, and this is one of them. I would like to understand their psyches better, I'm really puzzled. Would you enlighten me?

Dancing, dancing, dancing with Black Maria.

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same

'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain

We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
And no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away

If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine

So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

Nothing beats a good melancholic rock song. There's nothing quite like this combination. Guns 'n' Roses- November Rain. Great song, not too overdone, not too mild.

Went out with the basketball girls today, had tons of fun having steamboat. Photos up sometime soon, I hope. Going out with Zhen tomorrow for a spot of shopping and the Food Fair at Taka! Teehee, can't wait. Gotta try and lug my fat ass off the bed tomorrow and go to the gym though. Tough life I have, indeed.

Life's just peachy, I wouldn't have it any other way.

My mind is fuzzy and everything seems disoriented. I just woke up from a one-hour nap, 'cos I couldn't sleep enough the night before. I am really happy I took that nap, because I had the sweetest dream ever.

In my dream, this little girl placed an impossibly tall ladder outside the window of my room, and (I live seven storeys up) she began to climb up that ladder. All this is from some other point of view in my dream, I can't remember what it's called. Third-person? Omniscient? Then I came into my room, and I got the shock of my life, because there, sitting in my planter (which is this separate extension of the room, where you can put plants. I tend to throw my rubbish in there when I'm too lazy to walk to the dustbin. But it's not big articles of crap lah, like maybe a bit of dust and hair that I find). Okay I digressed too much within that bracket, so I'm gonna start a new sentence. And there, sitting in my planter, was this precocious (sp?) little girl, with black, soft hair down to her shoulders, a naughty, stubborn streak about her, and she was squatting down in my planter, staring at me. And I was so shocked, and so frightened that she might fall down and die. This is roughly how our conversation went.

Me: What are you doing in there!?

Girl stares at me blankly.

Me: You better come on in, your mom knows what you did, and she's gonna be angry with you! (All a lie, I didn't want her to die)

Girl (suddenly alert): My mummy knows???

Me: Yeah, you better come in.

Girl (stretching her arms out to me): My mummy knows???

Me (reaching out to carry her): Yup, come on, I'll bring you to her.

Anyway, I did bring her to her mom, who looked really strange. She had blue gunk on her face (like those facial masks) and she wore really thick eyeliner, and had fuschia pink lipstick. Somehow, in my dream she was related to my auntie. Really weird, but the entire point is that the girl felt so real. It was so natural when I reached out to her and carried her. Normally I'm not good at carrying kids, but with this girl, it was so comfortable and natural. And she wasn't angelic at all, you could tell she was a bit naughty, a bit sweet, but someone completely unpredictable.

A weird dream, indeed. But if I ever have a daughter, I hope she'll be just like the girl in the planter.

Sometimes, I really really really really (times infinity and maybe you still wouldn't get there) want to kill my brother. I should think he's the only person in this world who can get my so riled up, and I can feel the anger inside of me, literally. It's like a fire burning up my chest, and when that happens, please steer clear of me. I was so furious just now, I tried lying in my bed and sleeping, but I was so disturbed and angry, that I had to do something, and resorted to ironing clothes. A more productive way of channelling my anger, but I need to control my temper. I wonder where I get my violent urges from, my parents aren't like that.

I shall take up meditation or something.

Shit, a bloody embarrassing thing happened to me today. I suck lah!!! Argh!


Okay, but MIDYEARS ARE OVER!!! I know, it's only Midyears, but for a few days I can cast aside all thoughts of impending doom.

I don't know what I'm doing at home when the exams are over. I went to the school library with Zhiying to borrow some storybooks. Wanted to borrow a VCD but the reader couldn't scan it or something. Played ball for like 15 minutes after that, I was so tired after shooting a few. And the weather was so uncooperative. Anyway, can't wait to see the basketballers tomorrow, wahoo!!

I realise my life is quite a static one. I hardly do exciting things, I'm at home after the exams are over, and I'm intending to read a storybook and do my projects... I really do want to do some exciting things, but the problem is finding that exciting thing which I want to do, and getting someone to do it with me. I don't even know what I want to do. Just something to jolt my system and give me some thrills. Maybe I should go to the theme park. I know the rides there are really mediocre to some, but they scare the shit out of me. Ugh.

Okay, I'm very tired already, didn't get to sleep much the night before. So ciao, and I hope you had the time of your life.

It's been forever since I wrote a poem. The last one was in Sec 4, if I'm not wrong. I was never good at poems lah. Was looking through my poems in my folder and they were quite gross and there were only three (I wrote so much more, somehow they disappeared), so I thought I'd write one.

This is 3/4 inspired by the song Iris- The Goo Goo Dolls, and 1/8 by "A SAD DAY", and the other 1/8 by my weird thoughts. So here goes.

Iris

Iris, he said, Iris
I miss you
Iris, he said, Iris
I need you

Oh, Iris, oh
You with your raven black hair
Oh, Iris, oh
You with that sweet smile so rare

Iris, my Iris,
As wild as an untamed horse
Iris, dear Iris,
In your dark eyes I'd be forever lost

Iris, please, Iris
Seems like forever, since you've been gone
Iris, please, Iris
I need you to mend my heart that's torn

Iris, he said, Iris
I have to get to you
Iris, he said, Iris
Death would be wonderful.

The ending's pretty bad, but it'll do for now.
Comments please!

I meant for it to be "unbridled horse", but I changed it to "untamed" after Yizhen said unbridled's a mouthful. Yup.

I really like The Goo Goo Dolls' video for Iris, check it out on Youtube. And Avenged Sevenfold's Seize the Day. I don't really like the music, but the video's really good, and the band members are all so gothic! I like how the whole theme of death lingers everywhere. I'm not morbid lah, sometimes I like such stuff.

I typed "passion" in the Getty Images search box, and I got a whole lot of half-naked bodies, boobs, kissing and what not. Gah. In case you were wondering, that wasn't the sort of passion I was searching for. Not carnal passion, but the passion to do something. (And that something isn't to have sex, hahaha)

The Econs paper was like pangsai, but anyway, it's over! I have so many projects waiting for me, not to mention running! Which I'm gonna do soon, as soon as I eat my lunch and it digests.

I've not been sleeping well for the past two weeks. I have to lie in bed, sometimes for half an hour, sometimes for a full hour, because I drift off into an uneasy sleep. And I'll wake up in the middle of the night for no good reason at all. Something's plaguing me, and I don't know what it is. Ugh.

You know, I don't think I can bear to watch the World Cup anymore. It was supposed to be Brazil and Germany at the finals, and I was supposed to be really excited for a great match. Now Brazil and Germany are both out. It's probably going to be Italy and France at the finals, unless by some stroke of genius, Portugal manages to beat France. I wouldn't disregard that, seeing as how so many odd things have been occuring at the World Cup. Brazil not in the quarter-finals? That would probably have been inconceivable to anyone before WC. Sigh.

There are many things that I would like to say to you.

I am balding, I got many questions wrong for Econs TYS, I ate M&Ms and Chips Ahoy today (so much for not indulging in them the past few days, once you start, it's the point of no return) and yes, I am balding. I hate balding but I must tie my hair up, if not it really gets onto my nerves, with it flying everywhere. Just today, I forgot to pin my fringe up, and it was annoying the heck out of me during the History paper. And Econs is slaughtering me. I've been doing the TYS since 1pm, till about 6pm, then I took a break of about an hour (cos I needed to go home from school), then I started on it again the moment I finished eating Chips Ahoy and drinking orange juice. Unfortunately, I cannot understand many things, and the exam is just a few hours away!!

And my dad and bro are always dissing me. Well, actually my whole family enjoys dissing me. Welcome to the life of Melissa:

Me (mumbling to myself): Shit lah, I only took down 6 numbers of the modelling agency's telephone number.

Bro: MODELLING AGENCY?! A MODELLING AGENCY CALLED YOU?!

Me: Yeah, and I need to tell them I'm not interested, but I didn't take down the whole number they gave me.

Bro (ignoring my words): WHY WOULD A MODELLING AGENCY CALL YOU?! WHY WOULD THEY WANT PEOPLE LIKE YOU?!

Me (getting annoyed): BECAUSE I'M GORGEOUS?!

Bro: YOU?! BUT WHY WOULD THEY WANT YOU?! (I realise he's quite a twit)

Me: BECAUSE I'M GORGEOUS & MODELLING AGENCIES WANT GORGEOUS PEOPLE?!

After which he was silent, but wah lao, he's always dissing me lor. Anyway I was kidding about the gorgeous part lah, I mean, I gotta be humble man.

And as for my dad, he dissed me the moment he got home, like he'd been waiting the whole day to do just that.

Dad: So... how's your day? You had a paper today right?

Me: Yah... I want to die already!! (Blabber on about Econs)

Dad: Aiyah.. study only what!

Me: Study ONLY?! I used up a lot of brain juice okay!

Dad: HAHAHAHA! YOU GOT BRAIN JUICE MEH?!

Me: YES I HAVE OKAY!

Dad: You have meh.. ahhaha.. yada yada yada.

Me: Stony silence

Yes, you may send your condolences to BLK 5, Dysfunctional-Psycho-Family Street.

I shouldn't even be online, because I still have 16 pages of miniscule printing of the The Economic Impact of Colonialisation on Southeast Asia (are you intimidated yet?) to digest. So far, what I've been doing is slumping in my chair, with my legs on the table, trying to read the notes like I would a storybook. And I just consumed 220g of calories- some Calbee potato thingamajig that Mr. KungFu Fighting brought over on that fateful morning. I shan't mention the event. Caught a glimpse of it on the front page of The Straits Times, and I had to avert my eyes in misery.

So I probably can't afford the half an hour or so mooning in front of the computer, but I can't really psycho myself to continue studying, at least not for now. I want to go running too, maybe tonight, after my Korean drama.

My favourite hobby is daydreaming, especially while studying. I don't do it on purpose of course, there's a reason why it's called daydreaming. Just today, the wind was blowing the day curtain all over the place, so I got up to tie it down, and then I stood by the window and marvelled at the sunlight, the blue skies, and the sweet scent that floated in on the breeze. You know how there are certain smells that bring you back to this certain period in your life? You could be walking along the street, and all of a sudden, you catch a whiff of a familiar smell, and you stop in your tracks. So I stood at the window and breathed and breathed, and random memories just appeared in my head. I must've stood there for a few minutes.

There are so many things I want to do. Apart from all the fun stuff like movies, shopping and sports, I want to go back to my kindergarten, primary school and secondary school. I don't know how anyone could not enjoy school, because I've loved it since forever. I would like to visit the basketball court in my primary school, the playground in my kindergarten, the quad, canteen and my old classroom in my secondary school.

I want to run, jump and dance to my own music, in golden pools of sunlight and waxy green leaves illuminated by the sunshine. I love summer, there are so many things waiting for me to do. I hope the good weather lasts for a little while more.

There are so many things I'd like to say. To you, above everyone else. For now, having the words in my head will suffice.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Can't believe I've missed out on such a great song all this while. Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls.



I like how the first verse starts off with "And".

I wanted to write, but even my words fail me. And that's tragic, 'cos my words are all I have that can articulate my thoughts.

Guess what I want to say is gonna have to stay inside of me.

I'm feeling so lonely now!!! My parents went to watch my brother's marching thing at the opening of the SYF at National Stadium, and I didn't go, partly 'cos I'm supposed to study, and partly 'cos my dear brother only had 2 tickets. Yaargh. And my sister went dating lah. Now she'll have lesser time for me... gah! And tonight the Kungfu-Fighting (JACKY Chan HAHAHA) is coming over to my house to watch soccer lah... wah lao, who invited him lor. Oh, I know, my sister. Not only is he watching the England and Portugal match, he's also watching the Brazil and France one lah!! Now I cannot do my victory dance after a goal is scored (which is so essential!!) and I cannot do stupid things. Argh!! Then I cannot sit the way I want because I'll look too barbaric, hahaha. Wah lao!! Why am I laughing, this is so upsetting. Think I'll go to the coffeeshop and join the ahpeks lah. I doubt they'll care if I do my victory dance or sit with my legs on the table.

Okay, I'm really feeling very nomadic now. I've not spoken to any humans for roughly 3 hours. And there isn't anything else to do but study History. My pace is going alright but I just woke up from a highly disturbing sleep, because for some reason, the stupid birds are making a lot of noise today and there are so many motorbikes parked opposite at the reservoir, and periodically, one of them will zoom off, gunning their engines obnoxiously. Make such a big fuss out of it... want to go just go lah. Must announce to everyone you're leaving ah? I should've thrown a sweet potato at you. And I don't know the relevance, but I don't like sweet potatoes.

Okay, I'm being very grumpy and crabby now but I don't care. I couldn't sleep in today for some reason, so I only ended up sleeping for 6 hours. And my nap was less than an hour, when I set it for 1.5 hours, no thanks to those stupid birds and motorbikes. One day I'm going to take my brother's catapult and shoot those stupid mynahs and crows. Especially the stinking crows. But not the sparrows, those are so cute. (I'm kidding, in case the AVA wants to catch me. I'm not responsible for the dead birds you find.)

I better stop talking rubbish and start studying. LIFE SUCKS, BYE!!

This entry is for the girl whose face has launched, perhaps not a thousand ships, but many ships all the same. You know who you are, and you know what I'm talking about. I don't quite always know what to say, but I hope this entry helps you, my dear girl.

When you have to look away
When you don't have much to say
That's when I love you
I love you, just that way

To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
That's when I love you
I love you, endlessly

And when you're mad cuz you lost a game
Forget I'm waiting in the rain
Baby I love you,
I love you anyway

Here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
That's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you,
When I love you no matter what

So when you turn to hide your eyes
Cause the movie made you cry
That's when I love you
I love you a little more each time

And when you can't quite match your clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
That's when I love you
I love you, more than you'll know

And when you forget that we had a date
Or that look that you get when you show up late
Baby I love you, I love you anyway
Heres my promise made tonight

You can count on me for life
That's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn, the more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
That's when I love you,
When I love you no matter what

I think this quite applies to you. Remember what you love about him?

There's this saying, "For every love out there, there is a heart to receive it." And I don't know, but to me, it seems as if you've found that heart. You yourself said it, he's the only one you can truly, truly be yourself in front of. It's more than the true physical appearance he sees, it's about the person you truly are that he sees, flaws and all. And he still loves you so ardently. I think that episode with the girl was enough to prove that. And a person like that doesn't come along every other day. In my very romantic, idealistic mindset, that sort of person who loves you for you, there's only one of him.

Like I said, there are many guys who can give you fairytales, all sorts of fairytales. But how long can they last? How many of those guys can stay with you through every trial and tribulation you go through? How many of them actually love you the way he loves you? How many of them actually truly understand your psyche?

Everyone wants a fairytale, but you know what? Leading our lives like a fairytale everyday, we're gonna lose out on every other aspect, perhaps the most important aspect. More than the material facades, more than that feeling of being protected, more than all of the things we read about in storybooks, love is more than all of that. This may sound stupid to you, because who am I to say all this, when I cannot claim to have felt love before, not in the romantic way, but this is what I believe. At the end of it all, love is when that person stays by your side even after the initial fairytale has passed, who still is brave enough to take on the tears, the pain, the fights, the quarrels, who doesn't only want the happy parts of relationships.

My favourite advice to give: Follow your heart. And that doesn't mean following your impulse. It doesn't mean giving in to what you desire. It means truly feeling with your heart, I don't know how else to say it.

I love you, because you're so strong for your friends, but you can be so frail when it comes to matters of the heart. That's why I'm going to be here every step of the way for you, and maybe there'll be times when you don't like the advice I give, but it's okay, just listen to it and make your own decisions, decide what is best. I don't want you to feel the pain alone, so talk to me anytime at all. My ears are always ready for you.

Wandering the streets, in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair
Round your finger
Tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will

Forgive me if I stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cuz I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar, i've crossed you in hallways
A thousand times, no more camouflage
I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you

If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a mood I would
Shout out your name so it echos in every room
I would

That's what I'd do, That's what I'd do to get through to you

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will

You should learn to sing to more than just the steering wheel. Haha, okay, I mean to more than just that single line, "For you I will".

You know, I didn't know "bollocks" meant balls (in the crudest sense, lol) till this morning. All the while, I thought it was a polite word for "bullshit". Haha. Woohoo, Ballack is hot! Playing extra time now, Germany and Argentina. My prediction's 2-1, Argentina being the winner. But now I'm not so sure, they look really desperate. Germany seems slightly smoother. But the Argentines sure can head some mean balls!

Today was rather unproductive. I'm dead, I gotta get my sense of urgency back. It deserted me after the oyster mee sua and takopaochi. T__T Tomorrow man, tomorrow. I did cook porridge for the first time in my life though. But I think it tasted like shit, although my mom says it tasted fine. Didn't want to try it.

Went out with Mark in the evening, and there are so many street performances in town now! Quite cool, it certainly livens up the atmosphere. There was this pretty good band playing at the outdoor part of Indochine, and the singer really sounded a bit like Jason Wade of Lifehouse. Didn't get to hear him sing any Lifehouse songs, but he did sing "One" by U2. Love that song.

Oho, we went to the arcade at Cineleisure and I owned him at air hockey! Okay lah, not exactly "owned", I beat him by one point. But I resorted to underhand means lah, haha. Played Daytona, and somehow, my car became really smashed-up... hm...

I hope the match goes into penalty shootout, I really like those.

Guess that's all for today. Gotta work hard tomorrow... :(