Today was a true test of my determination and mental strength, and I'm sad to say I did very badly. 3.2km, something which I have been running so often for the past few weeks. I've been running on an almost-daily basis, yet today I performed so badly. 26th position might seem good to some people, and if I had put in my 100%, maybe I would have been satisfied with it. As it was, the moment I stopped to walk, it was all over. Because I chose to throw Ms Tang's words away. She said we should never walk, no matter what. Part of me was forcing myself on, telling myself to go on, to push on. The other part of me simply said, "I'm too tired, I can't." And that was it. I failed in what I had sought so hard to achieve. The night before, I was psyching myself up, telling myself that I was not going to give up, I was going to maintain my stride, I was going to command my body, and not let my body command me. In the end, I still gave in to the negativity within me. I feel as if I'm very selfish, because I didn't give my all for the team.

This is my last cross-country, and I disappointed myself, more than anyone else. There will not be anything like this anymore, running for a school event with everyone else. This is a lesson for me.

I'm not strong enough, both mentally and physically. But most of all, I believe I am weak mentally. And I want to change that. I want true grit and determination. I want strength. I realise I've come to a stagnant point in my life, where I'm not progressing nor regressing. But the possibility of regressing is very high. I am going to push forward and have a breakthrough. I need this, if not I'm never ever going to learn anything. I may have failed this time, but I won't stop here. I'm going to pick myself up from this failure and improve even more. Hwaiting!

But on a brighter note, we won first for the CCA team event. Thanks to the hard work of my team-mates! And no matter what, we're all part of a team. As long as we finished the race, persevered, we do not need to blame ourselves at all! Does this sound contradictory to what I said before? I mean it in a different way. Good job to Elaine, Ailing, Chee Hui and Shona. You girls were awesome! Zhiying, for pushing on till you cried, its admirable. To Siping, for giving your all to this race. To Wenting, whom I know has tried her best. Because she's the type to perservere on. Something must've happened, but it doesn't matter, you were still great. To Sophina, for pushing on despite having recovered from your chickenpox a week or two ago. To Huiwen, Chinwei, Xinyang and Angie... you guys gave your all and that's more than enough. And to Yizhen! You were the best my dear girl. Despite spraining your ankle, you FINISHED THE RACE. You pushed on through the pain. You are a gem. Who cares about that medal pin? It doesn't matter. What matters is you never gave up! <3

I realised today that your mind is the biggest source of strength and the biggest obstacle. It all depends on which voice in your head you want to hear. Because I noticed a marked difference in myself during 2.4km and today's X-country. There was just the blind spirit to follow that positive voice in me during 2.4km, but today, I gave in to the negative voice and disregarded my positive side. So this is my message to all of you. Just truly focus on the positive side in you and push on. We really can achieve more than we will ever know.

Anyway, went for Sakae today with Yizhen and Ailing after cross-country today. I couldn't eat much. I think I'm staying away from Sakae for a few months. Ughh.

Chinese New Year's eve is tomorrow! I simply love Chinese New Year. Its when I truly feel like its the start to a new year. Yay yay yay. Think I'll spend tomorrow doing homework though.

Alright. That's all for today...