Michael Jordan is my source on inspiration, but maybe I just have to accept that there are some things I cannot change. My sister's words are beginning to make sense; sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just cannot achieve certain things. And this is one of them. In time, I might be able to achieve it, but I suppose it no longer is possible this year. I know I should not expect much, but I cannot help it. Perhaps I should just accept the fact that I am not good enough. Not yet anyway. Maybe in time, with more practice, I will become better. But that knowledge is not enough. It is not unfair at all, yet ...

But I'll look on the bright side. I'm not too sure what bright side there is as of now... but I'll try. It's pointless lamenting and feeling disgruntled.

I've been rather pissed of by some things. So I've resolved that I shan't say anything anymore. I want to do my part but if it makes them unhappy, so be it. I don't like feeling this resentment, but it's just there.

Sometimes, I really hate the idea that I am not perfect. I want to be perfect. Not shiny-plastic perfect, but perfect in the sense that I will always do the right thing, say the right thing. I detest having to tread around tentatively, not knowing what to say or do, that will be accepted, that will not anger anyone. I can't please the whole world, I know that. But I would like to please the people around me, the ones whom I'm close to, my friends and family.

"Accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory."

This was my motivation for 2005, but what is victory? Victory is not clear cut like winning first-place in a competition. Not in life. Victory is never-ending. At one point in time, you may want something very badly, and you may say, "All I want is blah blah blah." But it is not ALL you want. It is never all you want. Because after you have that "all" you end up wanting more.

On to brighter things... A levels are in 215 days as of tomorrow. I'm not trying to be sarcastic, because after the A levels, I'm going to go to Korea! And Xinhui said something during Lit class today, which really makes sense. She said something along the lines of wanting to do her own thing and pursue her own dreams, and in Singapore, that is not very possible. Which is very true. I want to do my own thing, pick up whatever passion I fancy. I don't want to spend my life at one job, working away, without time for travelling or writing, or cooking. It's not that Singapore is no good. She is pretty good compared to some other impoverished countries I guess. But sometimes, I feel that the government is an overprotective mother, wanting to cover every aspect of our lives, make sure that everything is done according to their ideal of "good" for the citizens. Yet if the government were to let go, would it really be better for us? We've gone through our whole lives administered in one way, and if it were to suddenly change, we wouldn't know what to do.

I realised that the things I'm good at, I'm not very, very good. And I don't want to be lacklustre. I don't want to be average. It's time to buck up, and I should stop resting on my laurels.

Okay, enough of my musings. Gotta complete my homework. Ta~