Dear Mr. PM.

You were lamenting about the absymally low birth rate in Singapore, and you were wondering why none of the campaigns to raise it seemed to work. You credited it to Singaporeans, who are unwilling to give up their lifestyles to have kids, as these kids become "cost centres", apparently in the eyes of these Singaporeans.

Maybe it's not the desire for pleasure and enjoyment that money can satiate, that results in the low birth rate. Maybe it's this whole environment we live in. I don't know about anyone else, but I can't take this pressure-cooker environment I'm currently trapped in. There's a ticking time bomb inside of me, I feel it right there, tick tock, tick tock, everyday. I absolutely hate it. I don't remember detesting school this much in secondary school. I was sitting at the table this night and for no apparent reason, memories from Dunman filled my mind, and they were unstoppable. And the memories that surfaced... I saw the girls, I saw a whole lot of laughter and screaming, a whole lot of madcap fun, dancing, muddy fields, the canteen, the soccer fanatics in 4C, the Sour Plum Ping Pong League. I saw the good things. But what am I going to recall of junior college a year from now?

Well, it's easy to say that I'm already stuck here. I chose this route, and I know I need to live by it. Complaining isn't going to be of much help, but I need to let it out somehow. And since very dangerous images were going through my head in school, I figured I ought to vent my frustrations before I go loony. Writing can only do so much though. I need to be physical. Maybe I'll go find that rooftop tomorrow. Not to jump down from lah, if that's what you were thinking of. I could hardly think of dying now.

Why can't I just study with a bloody vengeance and not think of anything else? If I could think of a way to turn myself into a robot for two months, I would.

Why does this world function like that? Where we're productive tools of the economy, "economic digits", where our education is geared towards allowing us to be useful members of society next time, where what we're learning is not for the sake of personal, spiritual fulfilment of our own choice, but designed to equip us with knowledge so that we're capable of contributing to the GDP of our country in the future? Why are there territorial demarcations and notions of superiority even amongst fellow human beings? Why are there currencies and foreign exchange, why did we ever invent bombs and chemical warfare? Why do we view tragedies with apathy and even humour sometimes? Why are we like that? Why did we make our world like that?

This is so idealistic, somewhat nihilistic, and completely Buddhist-like, isn't it? Does it sound laughable that I'm asking such questions? Would you say, that without all these things, we wouldn't be able to enjoy our lives now, have instant access to any sort of information, we wouldn't have such high standards of living, we wouldn't be so advanced technologically, we wouldn't be able to do all the things our predecessors couldn't do? Would you say, that I'm being ridiculous and foolish, because it is a fact that our lives are better than it was in the past? That we don't have to labour to get water, we don't have to use candles to get light, we don't need to take days to get from one place to another?

But what if we did live for the sake of ourselves and for other humans, in the very real sense of the word. What if we didn't need to slog our guts out for our country, because there is no country? What if this world was one vast, unexplored place? We wouldn't know what enjoying technology would be like, because we'd never have experienced it, and because we've never known what it was, we couldn't possibly feel the loss of it. The expectations would be lower. Who is to say that a life with technology is better than a life without? Who can measure the happiness you derive from both types of lives?

Sometimes you don't need to ask so many questions, although they say asking questions is a sign of inquisitiveness and a bright mind. Sometimes it pays to think through something and really think about it, and try and formulate reasons why. Sometimes it's good to try and understand the psyche of a person and analyse why they behave in such a way, instead of complaining about that person and slamming him/her. Sylvia Plath wrote a poem titled, "The Courage of Shutting Up, in spite of Artillery!" Respect is still with those people who do not need to verbalise every thought process, those who are unchartered deep waters, whom no one has ever caused a ripple across its surface.

And this has turned out to be a completely random entry, and probably too long and convuluted. Well, if you're still reading this, thank you for "listening" to my musings.

And if you are still reading this, I can smirk and say that, ha ha, you did not wake me up from my slumber, because I couldn't possibly sleep with a whole load of thoughts on my mind. :)

Well, good night world. I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day, it always is. (And there's Jonathan on Singapore Idol to look forward to at least.)

/edit

Hahaha, I just realised that a few entries ago, I was talking about how much I'd miss JC. The fickleness of Melissa. Well I'll definitely miss some of the people here in NY, but I'm quite hesitant as to whether I'll actually miss NY itself. You know how eating too much of something at one go causes you to abhor that thing? Well, seeing too much of NY causes me to abhor it too. But this feeling will pass, of course. Time has a way of dimming bad memories and blunting particular emotions.