Hello, Melissa.

If there was one thing I remembered clearly about you, is that you were perpetually in a state of lunacy all the time, back in secondary school. You never used to care if anyone was looking, you'd just go right ahead and do whatever crazy thing you intended to do. I remember how you and the girls sprayed water at one another and got all wet, and nearly got scolded by a teacher. How you smashed cake all around and screamed the classroom down, and the discipline master nearly had to be called up. And how all of you stank of cake for the rest of the school day. I remember how you'd always yell at the boys in your class to keep quiet, and get really pissed off, and threaten to give their names to Mr. Bernard. You'd always walk out of class, but you never submitted their names. How could you? You were always like that, threatening, but never being able to carry out what you said. But everything would be back to normal on that day itself. You could never stay angry at the people who gave you such good times, such laughter, such fun. I remember how you could do utterly embarrassing and stupid things in class without caring. Like practising tango with Darianne for Prom, even though your O Levels hadn't even started.

I remember that you had quite a temper, and you weren't afraid to show it. You could say you always externalised your emotions. I remember how you and Bel screamed at each other in the atrium, in full view of everyone, but neither of you really caring, and you stomped off to cry in anger. I remember how you and Ching Lam quarrelled, and during class-cleaning, you didn't allow her to clean the window panes, because you were cleaning them. You were such a weird kid, Melissa.

I'm sure if you asked your 4C classmates what they remembered best about you, they'd say, "She was crazy." And you were, completely, unashamedly crazy. But it was a craziness that came with your teenagehood. It was a craziness that was a manifestation of your happiness. You used to show your temper quite a bit, but after that, it was all over, and you never bore grudges after that. None of us ever did.

Hey, Melissa. I don't know where you've gone to. Somehow, I have a feeling you lost yourself somewhere back there. And it's sad, because I remember how you and Ching Lam said the two of you would never change, for life. But you have changed. Not to someone else, but you lost that part of you. That impulsive, impetuous, crazy part of you. Back then, you worried that you were always going to stay perpetually mentally-unhinged. I wish you never worried, because that was you. That was someone I recognised, that was you being true to yourself. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the old you. Why did you ever let that part of you go? I don't know who you are now. Cautious, always holding back, hardly ever expressing your true opinions anymore. If this is part of growing up, then I wish you'd never grown up at all.

Maybe it's the stress. But it's only in junior college that I really understood what stress is. This overused word. There is something I can't shake off, of late. I just know I have to find back what I lost, because I am not complete without it. And I know, that I cannot allow anything, or anyone, to take such an intrinsic part of me away. It's strange that I should be facing an identity crisis after nearly eighteen years of a self-assured existence. At the end of the day, I just have to keep on finding and reminding myself what I'm living for, what I'm doing all this for. I don't particularly know either, actually. And I'm not suicidal, rest assured.

I'm tired now. Skipped school today because of a horrible headache the night before. I ought to go and make better use of my time now. Ta.